Because it's Tradition
by Twilight 3-1
Summary: 1954 - Margaret goes back to old habits and it takes its toll on the people who love her and who are trying to help her.
1. History repeats itself yeah

**1954**

**Here I am Hotlips Houlihan. Not any of that Margaret kindness or that Major dictatorship. Away from what I've known for a year now. Away from those 'friends' I had.**

**But now, I'm back. Wilder and more outgoing than ever. Party lifestyle suits me...it always has...and why in the HELL did I join fascism USA? Because it's _tradition_. Is it tradition for a 30 year old to go back to her old ways? History surely repeats itself..._that's _tradition.**

**What were my old ways? Margaret, Major, Hotlips? No, it goes further than that. Try as far back as 15...**

"_Margaret, are you feeling alright?"  
"I'm fine! It's just something I ate." _

**Little did my mother know how close she was.**

"_Maggie, that looks gorgeous"   
"Yeah, I can finally fit into it, I feel great!"  
"You have gotten...thinner I've noticed. What's your secret?"  
"I can eat anything and it doesn't matter...It's wonderful"   
"How?"  
"Well..."_

**Lorraine was one to never try new things. No matter how great it was, she never tried it.**

"Margaret you haven't touched your dinner."  
Shoving a mouthful in "You happy?"  
"Alvin, I think she's sick."  
Like YOU would know oh dear parents of mine.  
"It's just the flu, I'll be fine okay?"  
"No one has the flu for 3 months Marrrrgaret"  
"And what the hell would you know?"  
"Margaret Jane Houlihan don't you yell..."   
"You're all so damned perfect, I'm fine, I don't feel like eating, so GET OVER IT!"

**That's what worried them...THAT'S what gave them the hint that something was wrong...boy, did I underestimate them?**

"Maggie, you've gotta stop doing this to yourself"  
"Doing what? I KEEP TELLING YOU, IT'S NOTHING!

**Should I have listened to them? What did they know? THEY WERE PERFECT!**

"Margaret...Maggie"  
Oh go away can't you hear I'm...  
"Are you okay?"  
**And still I kept on doing it...I didn't want to stop.**

"MRS HOULIHAN!...Margaret's sick."  
"Margaret...what's wrong?"  
"I...I don't feel so well..."  
**And then I apparently collapsed. I made Lorraine promise not to tell anyone my secret. Like she would keep it...she was the perfect child.**

**I overheard my parents talking one night...about me.**

"Alvin, she needs help."  
"There is nothing wrong with my daughter, she's perfect."  
"Have you seen how much weight she's lost?"  
"She's growing up, it's just baby fat."  
"Is the loss of baby fat the reason why none of her clothes fit?"  
"I don't know about these things...you're her mother"  
"And you're her father...she's always looked up to you. She won't listen to me. She won't listen to Elizabeth, she won't listen to Lorraine...you're her last hope."  
"Last hope of what?"  
"Are you blind? She hardly eats and when she does, she throws it up straight after when no one's watching."  
"The girl just wants to lose some weight, is there any problem in that?"  
"She's making herself sick. Do you want her to die...because at the rate she's going, she will."  
**Die...what would she know? SHE WAS PERFECT. There was no harm in what I was...am doing now is there?**

"Margaret...your mother asked me to come and talk to you..."  
"Dad I know why you're here, I heard you two last night. You're right, there's nothing wrong with me."  
"Now if you're sure..."  
"I am daddy...thanks."  
**Men...they can never sense when someone is in trouble and when someone is just fine.**

"Margaret..."  
"What the hell is this?"  
"Can you just sit down, we need to talk to you."  
"What, why? Is this some kind of gang up?"  
"You need to stop."  
"I need to stop what?"  
"You need to stop making yourself sick."  
"Sick? I'm okay."  
"Oh sure sis, stick your fingers down your throat to throw up everything you've eaten...yeah, real healthy."  
"Elizabeth shh."  
"No Mrs Houlihan...Lizzy's right. Maggie, if you don't stop, you'll die."  
"And why would you care?"  
"What kind of a question is that? Of course we care. We're family."  
"Family...what exactly does that mean mo-ther?"  
"Margaret don't be like this. You are perfect just as you are..."  
"Maybe now, but if I stop I won't be..."  
"Margaret honey we've tried everything. I called Doctor Shepherd and he wants you to go to the hospital for a while"  
"What? What hospital, why?"  
"Because we want you well again...you're getting sicker every week...soon...I don't want to think about it..."  
"Look...if I stop, do I still have to go?"  
"No honey, but Doctor Shepherd still wants to see you, can you do that for me?"  
"Okay daddy...for you."  
**So...I stopped. I had the urging and the craving to do it...but I didn't. Doctor Shepherd told me what to eat and he wanted me gain 12 pounds...12 pounds sounded a lot. He said it was for the best if I wanted to be the best...so I did...well...almost did.**

**Nursing school taught me medicine, the army taught me discipline. That...I guess was why I never purposely did it again...until now.**

**Now here I am...a 30 year old ex army officer and Korean vet, in a club, drinking my hearts content. Never eating...eating was a bad sign.**

**They all tried to contact me...Potter, BJ, Charles, Father Mulcahy, Klinger, even Radar and Trapper. And of course Hawkeye. Hawkeye tried hardest of all. No thanks to my happily married, mothered baby sister, at least 50 letters and phone calls from him. I answered all of the calls...I only ever spoke once.**

"Margaret, my God how are you...I've been trying to contact you for...a year."  
"Hi Hawkeye."  
"What are you doing, how are you, are you well?"  
"Me, I'm talking to you aren't I?"  
"Are you working or..."  
"No, not working...just living a lifestyle, like everyone else. How about you, married? Of course not, that's not Hawkeye now isn't it?"  
"Margaret...are you okay?"  
"You already asked that...twice"  
"Well I'm going to keep asking until I get an answer."  
"Me? Oh great...just fucking dandy...you?"  
**What do you think? Typical man.**

"I'm doing okay...we had a reunion last month...we all...I missed you."  
"Yeah I got your letter"  
"Why didn't you come?"  
"I had to wash my hair that night."  
"Margaret are you drunk?"  
"Unfortunately no. I would LOVE to be drunk right now, but I am myself at the moment and very content being so."  
"Don't kid yourself, this isn't you."  
"And what the hell would you know? Just because you sleep with me once..."  
"Twice"  
**And I bet they ALL heard about it too.**

"Twice, doesn't make you my owner."  
"Margaret will you just listen to yourself? This isn't you. This isn't the Margaret I know...This isn't Major Houlihan"  
"Good...I haven't been Major for a year now"  
"You quit the army?"  
"Noooo, I got promoted....what do you think? Yes I quit the damn army. And why would you care? You hate the army."  
"But I don't hate you."  
"Yeah right. Now if you'll excuse me, I accidentally ate something today and I have to go throw it up. Goodbye"  
"What? Margar..."  
**At that point I slam the phone down and discard of the toast I had eaten an hour before.**

**That was last night. I decided not to be lonely anymore, so now, I'm here...in a club. Waiting for the next company to walk through the door.**

"Excuse me ma'am? We're closing up."  
"What? Oh fine."

**That club was no good anyway. **

**Great, just wonderful. No taxis. Well...I guess I'll just have to walk. **

**How dare he call...him of all people. So we had sex, so what? I've had sex plenty of times and no ones given a damn about me. Why should he be the first?**

'**But Margaret, he cares about you...he said it himself. They've all tried to call you...they all care about you.'**

'**Don't listen to her, he doesn't like you. Remember he said you should lose a few pounds...well you've gotta lose a few more before he'll even look at you.'**

**Shut up Shut up SHUT UP! **

**Did I eat anything today? I can't remember? The kid did at Halloween...he ate something and people died...Oh God, I think...I'd better run.**

**Why won't it go away? The pain. It's still there...why can't I stop crying? Why can't I be loved?**

**Oh go away, it's too late to visit.**

"Margaret it's me, will you open up, please? I know you're home...please Margaret. I want to help you."

**Oh God, it's Hawkeye, go away, please go away.**

"Margaret, I know there's something wrong, I know you're not well...I wasn't well either. I got help..."  
"And I suppose everything's cheery now"  
"No I wouldn't say that...but it's been getting better. Can I come in."

'**He's not going to go away Margaret, open it for him...he can help you...he cares about you.'**

'**Yeah, the quicker you open it, the quicker he'll go away.'**

"What do you want?"  
"Just what I said...I want to help you. Can I come in?"  
"If you really must."  
"Margaret when was the last time you ate."  
"Yesterday night..."  
"And kept it down?"  
"Oh don't you try the heroics on me buddy."  
"Margaret, eat something. You'll get sick if you don't."  
"I already am sick...you said so yourself"  
"When?"  
"When you told me I should lose a few pounds...back then remember HERO?"  
"Margaret I was out of line, I was a jerk back then. I didn't mean it...I"  
"Well congratulations, you got your wish."  
**Stupid prick, what's your fucking right?**

"Margaret, this isn't just a few pounds...look at yourself. This isn't Margaret, or Major or anyone."  
"Yes it is, this is Hotlips. The party going gal everyone loved."  
"No it isn't. Hotlips would have reported anyone who was making themselves sick. She would call it being unmilitary, un-American."  
"Well then if this isn't Hotlips then I guess it's someone else. No wait, it's Maggie Houlihan. The 15 year old."  
"What?"  
"Yeah, that's who this is. And if you don't like it then you can go back to Crabapple Cove. No wait, why don't you just go straight to hell..."  
"And why don't you wake up to yourself for crying out loud? I came here with the thought to help someone I care about, deeply. This self-pitying of yours is disgusting...what's worse it's not you. It doesn't do anyone, mostly yourself any good."  
**What right does he have to say all this?**

"I wouldn't get so high and mighty if I were you Benjamin."  
"Oh?"  
"If I remember right you were screwed up yourself quite a few times yourself."  
"Yeah, and you know what's different? I had people around me and I knew it. You have people around you and you don't care."  
"Don't care? You and your friends should be the kings of not caring."  
"What?"  
"You and BJ and Potter and the rest of them."  
"Have you SEEN the amount of letters we've all sent to you? We must have destroyed 10 forests, trying to show how much we care."  
"Well the environmentalists are going to be pissed off because you are wasting your time lying."  
**Idiot**

"Sit down"  
"WHAT?"  
"SIT DOWN Houlihan!"  
"Fine."  
"I thought maybe the soft approach would bring you around. Maybe even a medium approach. But I'm going to get tough."  
**What a HYPOCRITE!**

"Oooh Captain Pierce the pacifist getting tough...I'm shaking."  
"Now you sit down, SHUT UP and listen."  
"Yes dad."  
"It's a damn good thing I'm not your dad."  
"Yeah, I think it's illegal to jump your own father"  
"First of all. Grow up. Simple."  
"This coming from you?"  
"You're acting like a fucking teenager."  
**Oooh BIG WORDS!**

"Well I guess history repeats itself."  
"I told you to shut up. Maybe once you realise that you're a grown woman and not some prissy pubescent kid then we can go on."  
"Oh I know I'm not a kid...I'm sure you do too. If you can't remember, maybe I can refresh your memory."  
**If he wants to do it again, then fine, I can go with it.**

"No Margaret. Sit down...don't be an idiot."  
"Fine, I know I'm acting like a teenager and I'll stop. Now what teacher?"  
"Second of all – stop being such a smartass. That kinda goes with the whole growing up thing ya know?"  
"Fine, I'll stop playing your role. Please continue, this is gripping stuff."  
**Asshole**

"Thirdly you're a nurse."  
"Really? Wow! And all that time I thought I was a solider."  
"And a nurse knows that making yourself sick is not healthy."  
"And I suppose as a doctor, excessive drinking is the key to health?"  
"You know as well as Klinger's goat that we drank to forget. Over a long period of time it isn't healthy. I stopped a few months after I arrived home."  
"And I suppose you're a priest too."  
"No, I'd miss the sex too much."  
**I have to laugh. At least Hawkeye hadn't totally flipped his lid.**

"At least you can still laugh."  
"At least you're still funny."  
"You do realise that making yourself throw up isn't doing the world of good."  
"I look better though wouldn't ya say Hawk?"  
"No, I'd say you look sick. How much weight have you lost?"

'**Just tell him, he'll get it out of you sooner or later'**

'**Tell him, shock him, he'll run away then!'**

"32 pounds"  
"WHAT?"  
"Like I said...32 pounds. Are you hard of hearing or something?"  
"Do you know what the complications are let alone what will happen if you lose any more?"  
"I'd float away?"  
"You'll die, that's what'll happen."  
"Me die? I've lived through a war! Just because I've lost a little weight..."  
"32 pounds isn't a little...there are POW's who lost less than you have."  
"So I don't like New York food."  
**Certainly better than Korea...most of the time...who am I kidding? I haven't eaten in God knows how long.**

"I have the solution"  
"What force feed me til I balloon? Or is it the parent thing, throw me in hospital til I get better."  
"Neither."  
"Or leave me as I am."  
"You say you don't like New York food...come live with me"  
"Why Pierce, proposing so soon?"  
"Just until you're healthy again. And if you want to stay, stay."

'**Go with him Margaret...he'll help you get well. If not something bad will happen.'**

'**Do what you want to do, why do I care? You'll end up dead one day.'**

"If you'll stop wasting paper on me, then fine. Whatever."  
"Really?"  
"Don't push it pal."  
"Okay ,okay, grab some stuff and we'll get going."  
"NOW?"  
"Why not?"  
"For one we don't have a car."  
"I do. Sort of a 'welcome home and good thing you didn't get yourself killed' present."  
"Or money."  
"I'm still working."  
"Fine, I'll be out in a few minutes."  
"I'll be waiting."

**Does that man ever give up...maybe I am sick? He is a doctor after all...but what if this is just an excuse to get me into bed again? No, he thinks there's a problem. If there is he can either fix it, or realise I'm fine. Either way I get to see his home.**

**Hmmm...what to bring? Nothing flashy...not that anything I own flashy fits me anymore. Ah what the hell, it's a small town, not much to see so it's not like we'll be going anywhere much...extremely casual. **

**Do I even own ANY clothes?**

"Hey, you okay in there?"  
"As soon as I can find something"  
"You women are all the same"  
"Something that will fit."  
"Ahhh."  
"What do you mean 'ahhh?'"  
"I'm just acknowledging you said something. No need to bite my head off."  
"Ah huh." "You need a hand?"  
"I need to know what we'll be doing there."  
"Getting you well again."  
"I mean are we going out anywhere? I need to know what to bring, and how much to take."  
**You're Hawkeye, you should have figured out what I meant – duh!**

"As for what to bring, really casual stuff. Crabapple Cove isn't exactly a buzzing city. As for how much...that really depends on how you co-operate. If you do it as well as tonight, you may as well move in."  
**Where the...does he get off saying this to me?**

"What exactly are you implying?"  
"Oh, I give up! Look, bring all you can and if you need anything extra, we'll buy it ok."  
"Buy with what exactly? I told you I'm not working, I'm lucky enough to have this."  
"I don't exactly have much to spend money on. I'll buy it."  
**Buy your way out of it – riiiiight!  
**"I can't ask you to do that."  
"You're not asking, I'm forcing you."  
**ALRIGHT! Now I give UP!**

"Fine. Could you grab everything on the dresser and just throw it in?"  
"Just as is? All of it?"  
"This is New York...not exactly a safe place to keep your valuables in."  
"Why exactly did you pick New York?"  
"Simple: Mom's in Florida, Dad's in California and Lizzy's in Wisconsin. Away a good distance from everyone."  
"But me."  
"That was pure coincidence."  
**You'd think by any means I'd move here just for him...check your pants at the door then!**

"You done yet?"  
"Don't rush me! It is 3am and I'm not exactly all that awake you know."  
"As I say it's better than nightmares."  
"Sure is."  
"Anything else?"  
"Not really."  
"No one to say where you're going?"  
"No, wait...what am I going to do about rent?"  
"I'll handle it. Grab you're stuff and let's go...this city's already bugging me."

**Well that's what you get for living in one place for a long time then. Lucky bastard.**

**So here I am, in Hawkeye's new Desoto, driving up the highway, away from New York to Maine, to a place I'd never seen before...well this is Hotlips...I mean Maggie Houlihan...I'll just go with it.**

**But I wish he'd stop staring at me that way...those big blue eyes, that sad, lost look he has that makes you wanna cry. But no, I won't give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry...again.**

"Why don't you get some sleep, you look tired."  
"I've been tired for years, no matter...how much sleep I get."  
"Just close your eyes...Maggie"

_**At least he's got the yawn name right.**_


	2. Please help me

"Maaaarrrrgaareeet."  
'What? Who is it? Who's there?'  
"Hiya Maggie!"  
'Lori? What is this?'  
"I don't know how to tell you this Maggie...but you're dead"  
'What?'  
"Hawkeye couldn't help you...you just got sicker and sicker and you wasted away. Just like we all said you would."  
'But I can't be dead...I've only just left New York...sick? What do you mean sick? I'm fine.'

"No you're not Margaret."  
'Mom? What do you mean I'm not?'  
"I told you this when you were 15, you're sick...and your father didn't want you in hospital...damn army, Alvin was never the one to believe anything was wrong."  
'Don't bring dad into this. Everything's fine. I stopped didn't I?'  
"Not in time though. I wish you'd listened to me Margaret...instead of listening to him."  
'Him...DAD?'  
"No...him"  
'Why isn't anyone making sense?'

"Maaarrrgaarret, fingers down your throat, make yourself sick, dying like old folk"  
'Shut Up Lizzy. What would you know? You have a perfect life. Stop being such a...'  
"Truthful?"  
'Daddy? What are you doing here...you're not dead...none of you are. You're all ganging up on me again.'  
"It's for your own good Angel..."  
**'What's for my own good?'  
**"You need to know why you're doing this...why you can't be happy." 

"Why you think you can't be loved."  
'Hawkeye? What are you doing here? You're supposed to be driving.'  
"I am...I need to help you. I want to help you. We need you better. I need you better. I want the old Margaret back. The one who'd kick me if I did something wrong...the one who'd help me if I was lost or sad."  
**'But you have me; I'm here.'  
**"No you're not. You're not here at all. This...phantom you is. Not Margaret, not Major, not Hotlips."

"And not Maggie either."  
'Why are you agreeing with him, you've never met Hawkeye.'  
"But he's right..."  
"Margaret. You've got to stop doing this...you've got to stop making yourself sick all the time."  
**'Why? Why should I stop?'  
**"Because you'll end up like him."

_** A lone soldier lay dead on the ground. His stomach ripped open. Guts hanging out. **_

"Dead."

"Margaret...Margaret are you okay?"  
"Pull over...I think I'm gonna be."  
**And by the side of the road, I empty the contents of my stomach...not that there was much. Although I had a lot to drink last night.  
** And Hawkeye was there, holding my hair, rubbing my back. Maybe he did care? 

"You alright now?"  
"Fine, can we just go?"  
"What brought this on?"  
"Just a...nothing, I probably drank too much."  
"Was it a dream?"  
**Why am I nodding? Why am I telling him all this?**

"Does this happen often?"  
"What, the dreaming or the throwing up? You know the second answer. The first...yes...all the time."  
"Does it happen together?"  
"Just recently."  
"Come on, let's go. The sooner we get there...the sooner we can have you well."  
"I suppose you called in the cavalry?"  
"Of course...it may take 2 to tango...but it's gonna take a platoon to help you."  
"Well I didn't know I was such high maintenance."  
**What a compliment! Coming from the master of suave himself.**

"Will you just get in?"  
"Fine, if it'll shut you up."  
"You want a blanket or something?"  
"Yeah, it's getting really cold..."  
"It's the beginning of summer!"  
"So? It's 5am...it's cold. I'm cold."  
"Here, now do you think you can sleep?"  
"I can sleep...peacefully's another question."  
"Just try okay?"

**Sure, I can try...maybe even succeed. Knowing me? Probably not.**

"_Margaret...may I have this dance?"  
'Of course.'  
"You know, I always wondered if you were a good dancer. Whether you could twirl and whirl like others could."  
'I used to love to dance. But I couldn't continue.'  
"Why? You seem to be doing perfectly well here."  
'My dance instructor in high school told me I didn't have the right body shape...that I could never dance like the others. That I could never be worthy enough.'  
"Well she was right."  
'What?'  
"You'll never be worthy enough for dancing."  
'You're supposed to be helping me...encouraging me...that's what friends are for.'  
"I said I was going to be tough and I am. Pure honesty. That's what got you into this mess in the first place isn't it."  
'No it isn't...it's...'  
"That's why you hate yourself. How you despise what you look like. Frank only wanted you because you were the last straw. Donald never wanted you...he had all his other girlfriends."  
'Stop it...'  
"Your father never wanted you...you were never good enough for him. Your mother never liked you. Lizzy always hated you."  
'Shut up...'  
"Everyone in Korea hated you...there goes Hotlips. The bitch major with a bitch attitude to match. Pull a prank, make you cry...make you remember you're all alone."  
'SHUT UP! SHUT UP! You never hated me. Why did you convince me to stay all those times?'  
"I'm a doctor...I don't turn away anyone sick or in need of help. No I don't hate you...but everyone else does. Just look at them. Staring at you like you're some kind of freak. They all know you're sick. That you're going to die."  
'If...if I get better...if I stop this...will they like me?'  
"Maybe...but you'll never stop. You want to be perfect? You want people to be happy? Just disappear. No Margaret means no sadness."  
'No No NOOOO...'_

"Hey...hey sleeping beauty."  
**Oh god, it was only a dream...**

"Hmm...what are we here?"  
"No...we're just entering Maine."  
"How long have I been asleep?"  
"5 hours."  
"How long have we been out of New York?"  
"About 8 hours...I sped up a little."  
"Hmmm."  
"We've got another hour or so before we get to Crabapple Cove, then 5 minutes until home."  
"What time is it?"  
"Bit past 11...you want to stop for anything?"  
"Coffee..."  
"Food?"  
"Don't push it."  
"Okay, you'll get away with it today."

**Hmmm...Maine's quite pretty.**

"Isn't it?"  
"Isn't it what?" "I can tell you're thinking how great Maine looks. You're right, it's a beautiful place."  
"You were always the one to read my mind."  
"And you were always the one who let me."  
"Unintentionally"  
"Well I have my ways...I lured you here didn't I?"  
"Ah, now that was to save the trees."  
"Yeah sure."  
"I care about our environment."  
"More than you do yourself."

Don't start now Hawk...  
"Please, no fighting...I don't have the energy too."  
"I'm surprised you have the energy to do anything at the moment."  
"Hawkeye please...don't. Not now."  
"Not now, okay. Let's just grab something before we meet up with everyone." 

**Everyone? Who...what is everyone?  
**"What? Who's everyone?"  
"Like I said, I brought in the cavalry."  
"Great, a reunion. Wonderful"  
"Well since you missed the last one, I thought we could all come together to see you."  
"After you called I take it."  
"Just coincidence...do you want anything?"  
"Just a coffee and some aspirin."  
"Aspirin's in the glove compartment, I'll just get the coffee."

**What am I doing here? I just upped and left New York to come to a place where my 'hero' is going to get me well again. Well good for him. That's his good deed for the day done then. Help the helpless. Like anyone would know I've gone. No job. No friends. An occasional call from Mom, dad or Lizzy. Numerous calls from Hawkeye...at least I'm doing him a favour by being here. He's saving money on phone calls. Oh that look in his eyes. I HATE that look.**

**Okay Margaret, don't cry. Wipe the tears away. You're crying over a man who clearly isn't interested in anything but getting you 'well'. He's a few decades late.**

"One coffee, and I got you a sandwich...just incase."  
**Just smile, he'll think you're 'co-operating.'  
**"Thanks."  
"Aspirin, one or two?"  
"Two...I can't think straight at the moment."  
"Coffee, white, one sugar right?"  
"You remembered!"  
"Of course I would...We only lived together for 3 years."  
"As I recall it, black with 18 sugars?"  
"Oh you're an evil woman Houlihan."  
"I learnt from the master."  
"Colonel Potter was a sweet guy wasn't he?"  
"You're such an idiot!"  
**Okay this is well...nice. The coffee's not bad too. Oh how I love his smile. The way it just makes everything better...everything happy everything...perfect.**

"Shall we?"  
"Yeah, so who's in the cavalry?"  
"Everyone."  
"Everyone like who?"  
**But GOD he could be annoying at times.**

"BJ, Potter, Charles, Trapper..."  
"TRAPPER?"  
"Yeah, caught up with him at a conference a while back."  
"You...Hawkeye Pierce...a CONFERENCE?"  
"Gave me a chance to work on my golf."  
"Typical."  
"Hey, I enjoy my predictability. It's the one sane thing about me."  
"So who else?"  
"That's it. Father Mulcahy stayed in Korea with the orphans..."  
"He STAYED?"  
"He just couldn't leave them. I got a letter from him though. Seems to be doing well. I rang Klinger and Radar."  
"By the way when did Klinger get back?" "A few months ago. They found her folks, caught up with Mulcahy and moved them here...and both Klinger and Soon-Lee are working as translators between the two families."

**I just have to laugh. That was the funniest thing to picture. Arabic, Korean and English.**

"Yeah. Anyway, he and Radar couldn't make it."  
"Probably too scared to see me."  
"No...Radar's at school and Klinger's working...everyone else is a doctor...we can get leave anytime."  
"Why would they be here?"  
"Because I asked them to...and once they heard, they wanted to."  
"But why to see me? Why do they want to see me after everything I've done."  
"Margaret why are you asking this? Of course they want to see you. They all care about you. It's not just me who does. And they're all worried about you. Just as I am...we all just want to help."  
"Because you're doctors and you have to help the 'sick'." "No it's not. God where are you getting these ideas?"  
"It was all quite evident in Korea that they all pretended to care. I once asked BJ and Charles for coffee and just talk. You should have seen the way they looked at me...like it was a chore. They would rather be operating than talking to me."  
"Margaret...listen to me."  
"Why have we stopped?"  
"WILL YOU JUST listen? You're imagining this. You're sick. None of this happened. WE all care about you...what's more we all love you. And we want to help you. Not because we're doctors...but because we care. Now please, just try."  
"Fine."

**Sure I'm being stubborn...I know that. I just wish he'd stop lying. I HATE lying. It's the worst thing that could happen between friends.**

"We'll be there in an hour. Get used to it...because you're gonna be here for a long time."

**What the? I'm not a child. I'm a grown adult. I have the freedom to go wherever the hell I damn well please. Fine if he's gonna play it against the rules...then so am I.**

'**Margaret. Listen to him. Hawkeye knows what he is talking about. He's right. You are sick. Not just physically. You're losing your mind. He's here to help. Everyone's here to help. They all love you...he loves you. Why else would he be doing this?'**

'_**What kind of stupid angel are you anyway?'**_

'_**I thought you said do whatever?'**_

'_**I got bored. He's doing this because he's a doctor. Just like you know. He cares because he has to. If not...he'd be another Frank Burns. That might be better...Frank didn't care about people. He never cared about you. At least he was honest in what his intentions were.'**_

'_**Oh, and that's why Frank was voted number one doctor then?'**_

'_**Who cares? Exactly Margaret...who cares?'**_

"Hawkeye does."  
"What? Margaret did you say something?"

'**That's right. And not just him either. BJ and Potter and Charles and everyone. See...if Hawkeye can care...love you...then everyone can.'**

'_**Come off it Margaret, sure, Hawkeye may 'care'. He's 0ut to make himself feel better...to get you into bed too. Everyone else is here for him. Remember, he said he had been sick too...they're all here and you're here too. So get your facts straight. DUH!'**_

'**DUH? You must be desperate. Look, Margaret, don't listen to us because we're just saying the exact opposite of each other. Make up your own mind. Listen to Hawkeye...see even she agrees he cares.'**

"Margaret...Margaret?"  
"Hmmm what?"  
"You called my name."  
"When?" "About a minute ago. Is there something on your mind...something you want to tell me?"  
"Oh...uhhh"

**SHIT! Just make up something...get him to believe anything else.**

"Just how much longer?"  
"40 minutes or so."  
"Oh."  
"Is there anything you want to talk about before you see them?"  
"Why I am like I am."  
"Yes?"  
"I'm asking you that. Why am I like this?"  
"Margaret, I can only tell you from what I've seen the last few years and what you've told me. It's how you've been taught to see things. To interpret them. And what you've been told about yourself. How people act towards you."

**God Margaret...don't cry...please don't cry.**

"I...I mean...why don't people like me. Why do I have to be so...me?"  
"As I said befor...what do you mean why people don't like you?"  
"I...I..."

I can't stop...I can't stop the tears...the pain. Oh why can't it go away? 

"Shhh Margaret it's okay, it's okay...just let it out."

**And that's what I'm doing. Crying heavily into him. I don't know why I'm crying. I don't want to be crying.  
**"I just want it to end!"

"What?"  
"I just want it to end."  
"Please Margaret...try to realise we love you...I love you. I want you back. I want my old Margaret back. I want to be kicked in the ass when I screw up. I want you to tell me that I'm being an idiot when I am. I want you to be happy. Please let me help you come back."

What should I do? I can't go on like this...but I can't get help from him... 

'_**Swallow your pride...let him help you.'**_

'**He's just being a...'**

"SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!"  
"What happened what's wrong?"  
"Help me Hawkeye...help me stop them...him."  
"Them? Him?"  
"I want them to shut up...I want him to go away."  
"Okay okay okay Margaret...I'll help you get rid of them."  
"I just want them to leave me alone."  
"Can the others help?"  
"Yes...anything PLEASE...help me"  
"Okay okay...we'll be there. We'll help you."

**I somehow ended up back in the car. I'm trying to keep my eyes open...I don't want to dream...I don't want to...**

"Shhh just sleep Margaret. All will be better tomorrow."

**I didn't dream.**


	3. Listen for the truth

**I can hear we've arrived...but I don't want to face them...not yet. A part of me believes Hawkeye...and another part doesn't...I need to know the truth before I can see them.**

"They're here they're here!"

**BJ - always the sillier, happier one.**

"Shhh"  
"Sorry Hawk."  
"Can you grab the bags?"  
"Sur...oh my..."  
"I know, she looks terrible."  
"Verge of death more like it."  
"Well..."

**Careful Hawk...I'm not that light.**

"I've lifted heavier feathers...She's only just fallen asleep."  
"How was it?"  
"Not much short of hell...where's everyone else?"

**Nice Hawkeye...really nice.**

"Charles and Trapper are outback. Potter and Daniel are in the den and the gals are baking something. You sure you're okay carrying her?"  
"What her? She's down to 92 pounds at least."  
"Shit"  
"It took everything to not say anything when I saw her."  
"When did she last eat?"  
"I honestly don't know. She's been starving herself for God knows how long."

**He probably wouldn't know either.**

"All I do know is she ate some toast 2 nights ago...but didn't keep it down."  
"Wonderful, I'll go on ahead."  
"BJ is she...oh my Lord."

**Always subtle and honest Colonel Potter, there to tell you what's what.**

"She's here...in a matter of speaking."  
"How was your trip Ben?"

**Bound to be Daniel...voice is so similar.**

"Korea was bigger laughs."  
"You're not putting her upstairs?"  
"No, I want her where I can...see her, ya know?"

**Like I'm going to do anything drastic anyway? Hmm, comfy couch.**

"I'll go tell Charles and Trapper."  
"Son, I didn't believe it when you told me, but now..."  
"I know Sherm...she's really sick."  
"Hawkeye I think it's best if I go home...or to work."  
"Yeah okay, thanks dad."  
"Ring if you need me."  
"Okay!"  
"See you Dan!"  
"Bye Sherm!"

Home? I figured he'd live here... 

"Pierce is she...oh dear God."  
"Hawk...what...how?"

**Ahhh Charles and Trapper...couldn't mistake their voices anywhere.**

"Should we go somewhere more quiet?"  
"What? Oh yeah, good idea Beej."  
"Do you want me to shut the..."  
"NO! I mean...I want her in sight."

**Geez Hawkeye, take a sedative or something...I'm not going anywhere...like this is anywhere. **

**I can hear them moving away to the next room. But their voices are as clear as day.**

"Uncle Hawkeye!"  
"Heya kiddo! How's it goin'?"  
"Is yours and daddy's and uncle Charles and uncle Trapper and grampa Sherman's friend here yet?"  
"Yeah, but you've got to be quiet...she's not feeling well and she's asleep."  
"She needs a doctor! Yous are all doctors...are you gonna make her better?"  
"That's the plan Erin."

**Erin...cute kid, Certainly has BJ's brain...and possibly Hawkeye's curiosity.**

"Okay Erin, where's mommy?"  
"Mommy's here...can you help me and grammie Mildred bake some cookies?"  
"YAY!"  
"Thank you."

Peg sounds nice... 

"Hey Hawk...WHAT THE HELL?"  
"Okay okay, before you all bombard me..."  
"Son, what's wrong with her?"  
"This isn't Margaret at all"  
"Certainly not anyone of her I've ever seen."  
"All you told us was she was really sick and needed help...what is going on?"  
"QUIET! Please. I haven't been able to get much out of her..."  
"Not much? You've talked to her haven't you?"  
"Not much that makes SENSE Beej. When I have she's either bitten my head off, denied it, cried her eyes out or been a total Smartass."

I learnt from the best didn't I HAWKEYE? 

"Denied what?"  
"Margaret's been starving herself."  
"What?"  
"She doesn't eat and when she does she throws it back up."  
"For heavens sake, she's a nurse, a damn good one too. Doesn't she have any idea what she's doing to herself?"  
"She's not herself."  
"I'll say. Even from what you all told me how she changed this isn't that."  
"No, really. The Margaret we all know – bar you Trapp, is nowhere to be seen. And the Hotlips you and I know isn't there either. She's an entirely different person. So no guys...she doesn't know."  
"What caused this Pierce?"  
"I'm not sure yet. I managed to track down Lorraine Anderson. She said this happened before."  
"WHAT?!"  
"When Margaret was about 15 for some reason she started starving herself and later on, throwing up anything she ate."

**That SNITCH! I knew I could never trust her.**

"How did she get out of it?"  
"Her parents threatened her with hospitalisation...I don't want to have to do that to her."  
"Are you alright son?"  
"Fair enough to say I never want to go through a car trip like that again."  
"How bad was it?"  
"Remember her worst mood, times that by about a hundred and swing it violently. I've never seen her in such a way before. Her mood swings are worse than I've ever encountered. And this is Margaret at her saddest and maddest I'm talking about. She also has this warped idea that we all hate her"

**Warped? Try again hero.**

"Rubbish!"  
"And that we only want to help her because we're doctors."  
"That's bullshit."  
"Yeah, we all love her"  
"And I've constantly told her that...what's worse...I think she's hearing voices."  
"That's it, I think hell has just frozen over. Margaret Houlihan, hearing voices?"

**It is rather chilly in here.**

"Yes Charles. But this isn't Margaret Houlihan. It's not Hotlips Houlihan. I don't know who it is."  
"Putting the psychological side away for a bit, Hawk how much weight has she lost?"  
"She says 32 pounds, but I think it's more..."

38 Hawkeye... 

""""32 POUNDS?""""  
"Mixed with lack of energy, no food, excessive drinking..."  
"Margaret's drinking?"  
"I checked around her place...wasn't much there. She's not alcoholic. That's all visibly I could see, though there's bound to be numerous other problems. Mentally I'm more worried. Apart from the voices – which I'm not sure about and the thought we all hate her..." "Which we don't"

**Yeah! Right.**

"Nightmares. Constant ones, causing her to be sick."  
"Sick?"  
"Almost in my car too. Plus she's not working and I highly doubt she knows anyone in New York."  
"I think I need a drink"  
"Make that a double"  
"A Triple"  
"The whole damn bottle."

Typical Swamp Rats 

"BJ?"  
"Yeah?"  
"I thought Mildred and I might take Erin to the beach. Let you guys sort it out in peace."  
"Thanks honey."  
"Sherman, if we don't get back in time, can you get the tray out of the oven...and don't eat those cookies"  
"I won't mother."  
"Bye daddy."  
"Bye sweetheart, have fun."  
"Have you eaten Hawk?"  
"Yeah, about an hour ago, and no she hasn't. Just a coffee and aspirin."  
"So what's the next course of action?"  
"That's why I called you all...I have no idea how to deal with this."  
"Pierce, Boston Mercy may have something in their files..."  
"Yeah, didn't we have a similar case there about 10 months ago?"  
"Wasn't that the 14 year old girl?"  
"Yeah."

Charles and Trapper, working together? 

"How did that work out?"  
"She saw the hospital psychiatrist, went to therapy, was given a diet to stick by and left at a fairly healthy weight. She's coming back every few months for a check up."  
"Hawkeye I know you don't want her to go but..."  
"But nothing. We're doctors, right? She's got a whole hospital right here. We all have different specialties...we can help her."  
"Does anyone know where Sidney is at the moment?"  
"Connecticut I believe."  
"I'm not sure if Sidney'll come up here for that, I mean he has his own practice and..."  
"There's no harm in calling right?"  
"And if he can't get up here right away, he'll tell us how to deal."  
"Number's by the phone...he wanted to check up every so often after we got back."

Great – a shrink. I've had my life's worth of them. And SIDNEY of all people!? 

"Most importantly...does she want help? Hawk?"  
"I wasn't sure until about 40 minutes before we arrived. She just broke down, asking me to please help her...to get rid of them and him."  
"Them? Him?"  
"That's what made me think of voices...Look I really don't care if she wants help or not. This isn't Margaret...this isn't anyone of her. Whoever it is can...can just go to hell. I want Margaret back. I want the same person I had before we left."

You left? When did this become all about you? All so damn patronising! 

"Okay Hawk...we'll help you get her back."  
"We want her back too."  
"I want to meet the new Margaret Houlihan you all speak about."  
"You'll love her"  
"Just not as much as some..."  
"Son, why don't you get some sleep? We'll watch her."  
"No, I just wanna sit with her for a bit."  
"Okay Hawk, call if you need anything."

**And now he's coming over...to 'watch me.'**

"Please God, help her...bring her back to me."

ME? Still with the yawn it all being about him... Hmmm, where did the blanket come from? 

"We're baaaack! They still asleep?"  
"Yeah, how was it?"  
"The Atlantic – as gorgeous as ever!"  
"Speak for yourself Trapp, the Pacific is way better."  
"I agree honey!"  
"You Westerners are all the same."  
"Erin, which do you prefer?"  
"THE BEACH!"  
"See Charles – the beach!"  
"Which translates as Atlantic."  
"Pacific!"  
"Atlantic!"  
"Pacific!"  
"Boy I'm glad I didn't have the three of you loons at once."

Sure would have been one helluva time! 

"Grampa Sherman...is the cookies done?"  
"I don't know, let's go find Grammie Mildred"  
"Yay! COOKIES!"  
"I'm going to take a shower, that water's colder than back home in Winter."  
"See – Pacific, okay hon."  
"Quite an excitable child your Erin."  
"Why Uncle Charles, you're getting a little clucky!"  
"You should see him with Henry. What 3 year old doesn't love a walking candy store?"  
"How often is it I get to see Erin?"  
"Couple times a year."  
"You should get your own kids...ruin their teeth."  
"Monica and I are discussing it at the moment."  
"Really? That's great!"  
"You ready for kids?"  
"I think so..."

**Charles MARRIED?! Well...odder things have happened.**

"Erin's been begging me for a younger brother."  
"No sister?"  
"She wants a brother. As she tells us every night."  
"Yeah, Henry wants a brother too...I think it's cute, Lou thinks it's a lot of work."  
"You thought of adopting?"  
"Yeah. Each time I do, I think of Kim. He was such a cute kid."  
"Why don't you write Father Mulcahy? Maybe he could help."  
"There's also the Church in Park Lane, they could help too."  
"Yeah, I'll talk it over with Lou."

Yeah, and because of me, he was almost killed...great move Houlihan! 

"Cookies anyone?"  
"Choc Chip is da bestest!"  
"Coffee's coming."  
"How is she?"  
"Sleeping, quite restless."  
"Poor girl."  
"Hawkeye's not that much better either. That boy cares for her more than he knows..."  
"It was always clear Pierce was attracted to her..."  
"Even before you guys came, he wanted to make a grab for her."  
"This isn't just attraction though."  
"Yeah."  
"Plus he was the one who had to go rescue her."  
"I haven't known Hawkeye for long, but when I saw him come in, he looked like he had just lost his best friend."  
"He's not too far off."  
"Daddy, why is Uncle Hawkeye sad?"  
"Why do you say that sweetie?"  
"He looks sad."  
"He's sad because Aunty Margaret is sick. And he doesn't know if he can make her get better. But you want to know something?"  
"Yeah?"  
"He will make her better...he really likes her."  
"That's good, cause I wanna help too!"  
"Well you know how you can do that? Go get changed."  
"Okay daddy!"

They would flip if they knew I was listening. I wonder what time it is? 

"You believe Hawk will get her better?"  
"Or die trying...if I know Hawkeye, he'll do anything and everything to help her."  
"But he's gonna need help."  
"Right, which is why we need to go back to Boston."  
"What?"  
"Charles is right, Boston has much larger hospitals than anywhere in Maine"  
"If we want to help Margaret, we need to go and find as much information to help her."  
"Yeah you're right. You wanna wake Hawk and tell him you're leaving?"  
"Yeah...he'd kill me if I left without saying goodbye."

**Trapper Trapper Trapper...always trying to fix things.**

"Hey, hey Hawk."  
"Mmm? What, is she okay?"  
"Still sleeping – see. Look, Charles and me are gonna go back to Boston, snoop around there. We can only help her by knowing what to do."  
"Yeah, good idea. When are you coming back?" "Monday. I need to check back at home"  
"As do I, never know what those people have been up to."  
"Yeah...okay, see ya Monday."  
"Bye Hawk"  
"Goodbye Pierce."  
"Beej, I'm gonna sleep some more...wake me if she does."  
"Okay Hawk."

Don't count on it... 

"Daddy, is this okay?"  
"Perfect, where's mommy?"  
"Still in the shower!"  
"Well kiddo, what do you want to do?"  
"Play with Uncle Trapper!"  
"I gotta go see my kids Erin, I'll be back on Monday though."  
"Okay...can Henry come too?"  
"Maybe next time cutie."  
"Erin, sweetie, I have to go too, but I'm coming back with Trapper."  
"Okay uncle Charles."  
"You guys got everything?"  
"Yeah, well...see ya BJ, Sherman, Mildred"  
"See you all on Monday then."  
"Righto"  
"We'll be back with hopefully the key."  
"Goodbye boys, see you later."  
"Bye Tell Peg!"  
"Okay Erin, what can we do?"  
"Make cookies?"  
"You did that already."  
"Can I watch Television?"  
"It's 4pm so..."  
"Mildred and I are going for a walk."  
"Okay, see you in a bit."  
"Can I?"  
"Why don't we go find mommy and watch it with her?"  
"Okay daddy."

**See – everyone's happy families. BJ, Peg and Erin, Potter and Mildred, Trapper, his wife and kids, Charles and his wife...Hawkeye and his dad...**

**What have I got? No one...nothing...that's what.**

'**Margaret WAKE UP TO YOURSELF! Do you know how pathetic you sound?'**

'_**Hey, the Angel's getting a brain. She's right, you are pathetic'**_

'_**She SOUNDS pathetic - not is. This self-pitying is disgusting! This is not you; they all care about you and want to help. Stop being so damn stubborn!'**_

'_**PATHETIC PATHETIC PATHETIC!!!'**_

**Shut up**

'**Margaret grow up'**

**Stop it**

'**Yeah – CHILD!'**

**Stop it!**

'_**So so helpless...just like when you were 15.'**_

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!"  
"Margaret..."

'**You were no good then and you're no good now!'**

"SHUT UP SHUT UP...JUST STOP IT, LEAVE ME ALONE."  
"Margaret, it's okay it's okay...no one's here but me."  
"Hawk...Hawkeye what happened?"  
"Please, make them go away...I want them to go away..."

**And here I am, screaming like some maniac, wanting them to go away. Just one problem...who is them?**


	4. And so the pendulum starts to swing

"Margaret who's they? Who are they?"  
"I can't get rid of them Hawkeye...they just won't go away. I...I can't think straight."  
"Why Margaret?"  
"One tells me this and the other tells me tha...ohhh God, I think I'm gonna..."  
"This way..."

**Why can't I stop being sick? 'Because that's how you wanted it to be.'**

"That can't be good."  
"No Beej, it's real healthy."  
"I mean what can she be throwing up?"  
"Coffee? Could you get some wet cloths? Just in the cupboard there."  
"Right."

**God I can't move...I CAN'T MOVE.**

"See, look what you're doing to yourself."  
"I DIDN'T DO THIS...where the hell do you get off? All of you."  
"All of us?"  
"I heard you all. Margaret Houlihan – the psyche case hearing voices. Makes herself sick."  
"We were just..."  
"Don't try and say there's anything wrong because there isn't, GET IT."  
"Then why did you agree to come up here?"  
"So you lot would leave me alone!"  
"See, I just can't win with her!"  
"Margaret, you want something to eat? Drink?"  
"No I don't want anything, I just want some fresh air."

**I know I'm being disagreeable...deep deep down...am I? I can't make sense of anything. Everything is just...so fucked up I have no idea who or what to believe, what to feel. **

**But why should I tell them that? They've all lived such _perfect_ lives. What would they know?**

"Here, can't get much more fresh than Maine air."  
"No! New York just has such the clearest air!"  
"You're starting again"  
"Starting what exactly?"  
"You're being a Smartass."  
"So what? I put up with it from you for 3 years. So deal with it."  
"At least I was myself then. Not some little..."  
"HAWK! Cloths..."  
"There...maybe it'll melt your brain."  
"Or get you off your high horse."  
"Make you see you're sick"  
"Show yourself you're an idiot."  
"Can you HEAR yourself sometimes? I mean GOD...If I didn't like you so damn much I wouldn't have bothered"  
"Well it's not too late now Pierce."  
"Oh, it's been far too late for some time now..."  
"I'm going inside, when you calm down then maybe we'll talk."  
"Whatever."  
"Erin's more grown up than you at times...grow up and listen to him."

BASTARDS, the WHOLE lot of them 

"See – it's not just me."  
"Well of course they'd all be on your side. They were your friends first."  
"I'm sick of this, when you decide or rather remember that you're 30 and not 15, come and talk to me. Until then, think long and hard about yourself."  
"Fucking hypocrite."  
"Screw you okay? JESUS!"

**Think long and hard? Okay. Long – 30 years is too long. Hard – such a bitch to everyone.**

'_**Well of course you are Margaret. I'm surprised it's taken you this long to realise.'**_

'_**Looks like I've got you on side...about time too'**_

'_**I've given up all hope for her.'**_

'_**Don't even try and have hope. We all know you're a goner Margaret.'**_

"_**No she's not...Hawkeye."**_

'_**What the...there's only supposed to be the two of us.'**_

'_**Find your own mind to play with.'**_

"_**Conscience. You remember Margaret. Also known as your inner child."**_

**I am my inner child – Hawkeye said I was.**

"_**No, you're some confused teenager. I'm the one who knows what's right. No Angel or Devil can tell you. They're constantly debating with themselves. Changing their minds on what to tell you. Sure they start off okay...but they're fools."**_

'_**Listen to a child? What a great idea!'**_

'_**I'm outta here, you coming?'**_

'_**Yeah, she's lost...we'll be back though.'**_

'_**Count on it.'**_

"_**See – they don't care...they just wanna control you."**_

And why should I trust you again? 

"_**Because I'm your last real hope. Sure, you've got a really great guy like Hawkeye, who cares for you deeply and wants to help...but he can't unless you want to."**_

**This is all too confusing.**

"_**Talk to Hawkeye...talk to BJ. Hey, even Erin would be good."**_

**He doesn't want to speak to me...after everything I said to him.**

"_**Margaret...you tried to have the man Court Martialled how many times? A few words won't hurt him. He'll forgive you."**_

**No...I just wanna sit here, it's quiet.**

"_**Okay Margaret, but talk to him."**_

**FINE! Later**

**They say people can't sit and not think about nothing...that they are always thinking about something. I disagree. I've sat by myself a few times and not thought about anything...the few times they would go away and leave me alone. The rest of the time I was either out, sleeping, throwing up or getting screwed by some guy I'd just met. Even some of those times I wasn't thinking about anything. Nothing is a great state...not a care in the world. Then comes the constant reminder that there's bills or letters or it's happy hour and I'm not drinking. The one bad thing about nothing – there's an end to it.**

**Hawkeye...why can't I stop thinking about him? The fact that he dragged me out of my 'home' and proclaims that everyone loves me...or the fact that he seems to really care, despite all I said to him...all I called him. **

**Isn't this the point where I go throw up or something? No...I have nothing more to get rid of. That's the plus of not eating...genuine sickness means no leaning over a toilet bowl and retching every toxin out of your body. On the down side...you can't do anything. But why would that worry me? I'm not working; I don't go and see anyone. I drink, eat, vomit, drink, have sex, eat, vomit, drink, shower and sleep for 2 days.**

**Yeah – what a great life!**

"She's up?!"

**Oh great – Potter.**

"Margaret girl...what have you done?"  
"OW, careful I bruise."  
"Sorry; what, why?"  
"Nice to see you too."  
"I would say the same, but what you?"  
"Where's Hawkeye?"  
"He's inside talking with Peg."  
"Still pissed off?"  
"Wouldn't you be?"  
"Can you just get him?"  
"Fine, geez settle down."  
"Margaret, what's on your mind?"  
"The fact that I'm out of my mind for one...according to him."  
"Yeah what?"  
"Can we talk?"  
"I don't know...am I still a fucking hypocrite?"  
"I think I'll go see what Mildred's doing..."  
"I don't know – ARE YOU? Look, I'm in a right mind to talk, if you don't want to – FINE!"  
"I think I might join you."  
"Okay okay, you want to talk? We'll talk.  
"Somewhere...different."  
"Come on, we'll go to the beach, that different enough?"  
"Fine."

The beach...couldn't be so bad. I'm covered...and it's cold... 

"Take the blanket."  
"Why should I?"  
"Don't argue, you're blue. Just take it. I thought you weren't going to argue."  
"I never said that...I thought Hawkeye and Margaret always fought."  
"I guess you're right about that."

**So we're now walking down to the beach...God I haven't been to one since...Well yeah. Secluded, no one about, quiet.**

"There's no one about, don't worry."  
"How would you know?"  
"Small town...I just know."  
"Only people I knew were you guys."  
"Well that's what you get when you're born army."  
"What do you mean?"  
"Just, what your parents did for a living meant that moving around must have been tough."  
"Right, and you would know this because you had such a busy childhood."  
"Well Korea was really the only major move I had, besides to Boston. Which I visited so often I lived there as much as I do here."  
"But you came back from Korea..."  
"So did you."

Oh Hawkeye...that's the thing you see... 

"Me? I'm not so sure on that one."  
"Why do you say that?"  
"I had to change so much when I got to Korea. Stationed in Tokyo I was so different to anything I was that first year. Being put in charge of that...I had to put on a brave face and be such a bitch to everyone otherwise I wouldn't have made it."  
"You were just getting used to it, like everyone else was."  
"But I wasn't like everyone else was. Regular army, remember. I was supposed to be able to lead confidently. I shouldn't have had to get used to it...it was instilled in me."  
"And where the hell did you come up with that idea?"  
"It's common knowledge. Army means..."  
"Leadership and discipline, yeah yeah I know the drill."  
"And I was army – capital A."

**With all the crap that went with it.**

"That's the thing – was. You're not army anymore."  
"I don't think I really ever was. I joined because I loved my father to bits...I did it all for him...which I now regret."  
"Well who wouldn't, I don't see how anyone could have gone through a war because they chose to."  
"It's not the war...I lost my life because I wanted to make my father proud. I did what he wanted, not what I wanted...No wait. I was trained to like it...and the army seemed great until..."  
"You were 15."  
"How did you know?"  
"I know you heard I spoke to Lorraine. Why 15? Why the starving, the vomiting?"  
"I just don't know...my mind's all a blank between loving the army and starting to hate the army. I know you don't want to call Sidney..."  
"But I have to yeah."

Margaret...this is a nice state. I almost feel half in control. Was that how I was before? 

"I'm sorry for what I said earlier."  
"No, you're right. I should be sorry...but I'm not."  
"You're not?"  
"I know it's going to happen again...until it stops, I don't know if I can be."  
"So why are you...I can't get my head around this. Why are you so...Margaret now?"  
"They're gone."  
"Who are they?"  
"Them..."  
"Voices?"  
"No, I mean they're not telling me to go kill myself or anything."  
"Gone for good?"  
"Definitely not...could we talk about anything but them."

"Okay, how about...Maine. What do you think of it?"  
"It's nice...I could get used to it."  
"Now will you eat dinner?"  
"What does that have to do with Maine?"  
"Just answer the question."  
"I...I can't."  
"What, eat or answer it?"  
"Answer it. If I eat it, there's no guarantee I'll keep it down, no matter what you try."  
"Okay, how about a deal?"  
"A deal with a crazy woman? Not wise Hawkeye, even for you."  
"Just try..."

Try? Does he think I'm totally insane? What have I been doing half my life? 

"That's the thing Hawkeye...I have been."  
"What?"  
"You know why I stopped when I did...it's been a battle ever since. Korea I never had to worry about sticking my fingers down my throat because the quality of food did that all by itself."  
"What about between then and Korea?"  
"Why?"  
"Maybe that's the key..."  
"I was still in shock over the hospital threat. Plus my all-lovely sister constantly reminding me I think put me off."  
"What about when you left home?"  
"As soon as I turned 18 it was straight to the army and nursing school. Discipline and leadership remember?"  
"Mixed with all things medical."  
"Enough to put anyone off. Even me."  
"So did you ever think about doing it?"

Like you really have to ask? 

"Oh sure. I had the urging and craving to do it all the time. There were times in Korea where I think I did. Nothing forced...the thought mixed with bad food...it was a re-enactment, no...a repeat."  
"Was it more frequent at times?"

**Oh boy, you're really getting down to the specifics.**

"I did it an awful lot in the beginning...I suppose the loneliness and separation from everyone was a major part. Then...there were times like at the aid station where I didn't do it for a long time."  
"What about the rest of the time?"  
"The break up with Donald was really hard. I did it all the time except..."  
"Except what?"  
"Remember that talk we had in the Swamp? You over Kyong Soon and me with Donald..."  
"The break up was then?"  
"I always subconsciously suspected what he was doing. Then was one of the only times it didn't do it...at least not for a few weeks after."  
"When else?"

Isn't it obvious? 

"The hut. You remember how I was so fussy that next morning? Especially with how I looked?"  
"I remember it as if it were yesterday."  
"I was always afraid of being caught out. After I vomited, there was always the smell...and my teeth were always so bad afterwards. That's why I was over obsessed with hygiene."  
"You know...it was a very good cover up."  
"Really?"  
"Yeah, no one suspected a thing...except for one thing. You screwed it up."  
"What do you mean?"  
"In the beginning, your attitude. I became almost obsessed with trying to figure out who you were."  
"You knew then?"  
"Not specifically...I knew there was something wrong, not what though."  
"You know...I was never really angry about the whole hut incident."  
"You weren't?"  
"Of course I hated Donald...and that bitch Darlene. But not you."  
"Sure seemed different the night after."  
"That was my way of dealing...I guess I was really upset when I was blown off the next morning."  
"It wasn't you...it was the fact that you were married. Aside from you I only ever slept with one married woman, she was my first real love who came back. It was more of I wanted her than anything. Looks are deceiving, I do have my morals."  
"In all honesty, I'm happy the hut incident happened."  
"You are?"  
"Yeah. Not just because I always wondered what you were like...or even the fact you weren't half bad."  
"Really? Why thankyou."

**Oh now that's the smile I love. Cheeky yet evil.**

"It was really a step forward for us. It made me feel...special and wanted. Not just there and needed. So...I never did I again. Plus the pregnancy scare kinda put me off. Though the 'morning sickness' kinda substituted it all."  
"So never again...the rest of Korea?"  
"Not for the sake of it is now, no. Some of the wounds and food – it just came naturally. Wait...there was one time. And again, I never had to force it."  
"What happened?"  
"When we all thought you were dead."  
"You mean the Aid Station?"  
"The second time, yes."

**God that really scared me.**

"When did this all start up again?"  
"Hawkeye I think we should go back."  
"Why?"  
"I don't want to fight...at the moment. Look. I know I'm going to yell and scream and curse and maybe try to hit you or anyone around you."  
"I never promised this was going to be easy...far from it. I know what I was getting myself into when I came this morning...and I'm probably going to yell and scream and curse right back. But I made a vow to help you, and I will do all that I can to do so."  
"I'll thank you once my mood swings are a gentle push."  
"I'm not here for recognition...just as long as you know."

**I don't like where this is going...quick change of subject I think.**

"Can we..."  
"Yeah, BJ's probably wondering where we are."  
"You're here, I'm no where."  
"And we're here to fix that. By the way...how much weight are you down...really?"  
"I lied before...it's 38 not yawn 32."  
"I knew it was more...you still tired?"  
"You caught me on a bad day. Usually I'm up and literally running...I compensate with 2 days sleep."  
"Okay, no more talk of weight or bodies or anything. Not for tonight okay?"  
"I really couldn't care...I just want to sleep. Preferably a bed...I do have one?"

**Although that couch wasn't bad.**

"I'll see what I can scrounge up...if not, I have a king sized..."  
"No thanks...I like my own space...no problem of waking anyone up through nightmares or vomiting or both."  
"What happened to the no mention of it?"  
"I have a bad memory...Potter must think I'm a freakin' nutcase."  
"A little more than a nutcase perhaps."  
"And BJ!"  
"He just thinks you're a nut."  
"Well whatever...they probably hate..."  
"I still have no idea where you came up with this idea...because it's crap."

I don't want to face them not now...not ever! 

"Can I just skip dinner? I'm really tired."  
"No, please, you said you'd try."  
"It's just I don't think I could lift the fork at the moment. Even if I could, I couldn't throw it up. And that'd just make me 10 times worse."  
"Okay, just for tonight."  
"Thank you."

"Thought you two were washed out to sea."  
"No such luck!"  
"You eating?"  
"No, I'm sleeping. I'm too tired to even think let alone walk, talk..."  
"Vomit."  
"Your subtly's sickening you know that?"  
"What you're doing to yourself is sickening that's what."  
"BJ...could you help me with something for a sec?"

**Give him the talk that's right. See, I knew I'd get him on side.**

"Yeah what?"  
"Please, I just got her settled, the last thing that would help is you setting her off when it can be avoided."  
"Sorry Hawk, it's just that does she know how dangerous it is?"  
"At the moment yes, 2 minutes time who knows?"  
"Hawkeye how is she?"  
"As good as you'd expect."  
"Hawk, it's just...I've never seen her in this state."  
"Just once I did...not nearly as bad as now. She's okay for now...later probably not."  
"You convinced her to eat something?"  
"Not tonight, she's just too tired...as a matter of fact so am I. You guys okay to do everything?"  
"Yeah Hawk, we'll fix everything."  
"Okay, night."

Coming to bed so soon? I didn't know I had that effect – HA! 

"Come on, room's this way."  
"Where's everyone else yawn sleeping?"  
"Potters at dad's, BJ, Peg and Erin guesthouse out the back."  
"Is it just me or do you have a lot of stairs..."  
"It's you..."  
"Thanks, really."  
"One down the end is study, just left is yours, just here's the bathroom, right's my room. There's a door in both rooms connecting to the bathroom."  
"I doubt there'll be any trips. I haven't eaten remember."  
"So you keep telling me. Whalla – your room."

**Nice, cosy.**

"Towels and whatever's in the bathroom. Nothing in the drawers or closet so just throw your stuff in."  
"What about your room?"  
"You wanna see?"  
"I'm just curious in what you were leaving behind."  
"If you'll just follow me."

**Wow, this is huge...hmmm...no closet.**

"Nice bed."  
"Only ever been slept in."  
"No one to share it with?"  
"Not for a year...and that was a few thousand miles away."

**Oh that's nice...no sex since me.**

"You're joking?"  
"Why would I?"  
"Any reason?"  
"I just never felt like dating."  
"You don't have to date to have sex you know."  
"Yeah...I just haven't."  
"I notice no closet."  
"If I need anything ironed, I'll do it just before. Everything else is in draws."  
"You can compromise with your fear, mine will always be there."  
"Find somewhere quiet and all's good right?"  
"Sometimes..."  
"Well, this is my room, not much else to it. You need anything else?"  
"Just for you to know I take showers in the morning."  
"Okay, I get the picture. I'll see you tomorrow."  
"Night Hawkeye."  
"Night Margaret."

**I love his laugh. It just lights up any room, any mood. Even mine at times...Pyjamas...did I pack any? That's right...all too big. **

"Hawkeye?"  
"Something wrong?"  
"Do you have anything I could wear...I mean for to sleep in."  
"Nothing fits right? An old shirt do?"  
"Yeah thanks."

Oh my God that's not... 

"Is that what I think it is?"  
"You mean this? Yes, my beloved Hawaiian shirt. You have good taste."  
"Just an eye for all things rotten. I don't suppose you have that robe?"  
"Robe robe robe...ah ha! Here it is, right where I left it."  
"The floor?" "I can find it there...one shirt – that okay?"  
"Yeah should be fine."  
"No bottom's that would fit you though..."  
"That's okay, this should do."  
"I want to do some tests when Charles and Trapper get back."  
"What for?"  
"To see what exactly you're lacking in and how serious this is. I don't want to start anything okay, just get some sleep."  
"Yes doctor. Night."  
"Goodnight Margaret."

**Well that was...awkward.**

**God I have gotten thin, does look better though.**

**I'm so yawn tired. I just want to...**


	5. Words Spoken and Broken

**6:30am! Time to get up I think, I slept way too long.**

**Nice shower, big enough for two...this house really fits his personality. Mine's just a shabby old studio dad helps pay for.**

**Maybe I should move up here...certainly is nicer than New York. Quieter, cleaner, calmer, Hawkeye...beach, houses, people, Hawkeye...**

**Get a grip Margaret. Even if he was interested he's literally playing doctor, and doctor patient relations have a line.**

**This hot water is sooooo good. Whoa, don't pass out, it would not look good, not even for me.**

**What to wear? More importantly how cold is it outside?**

**Brrr that window's cold. Long pants...if I can find any.**

"Margaret"  
"Shit you scared me."  
"What are you doing up?"  
"I'm an early riser, you of all people should know that. I could ask what are you doing up?"  
"I've been up for hours. Just some paperwork and thinking..."  
"When everyone else is asleep naturally."  
"Which is why I live alone. You want anything?"  
"Yeah, clothes that will fit. I'm surprised you haven't said anything about that yet...I am just in a towel if you hadn't noticed."  
"How could I not? It's too early for an argument."

**Never stopped you before.**

"I'll look around, see if I have anything..."  
"Why would you have anything?"  
"I have a lot of family stay every once in a while...they always manage to leave at least a basket load of clothes behind."  
"Any of it small enough?"  
"Yeah I think so, come here, you're turning blue."  
"Who wouldn't in this arctic blast. If this is summer...I'd hate to see winter."  
"It's not that cold...you've just lost some of the ability to warm up...it's called a consequence of not eating."

**Oh now look who's starting the fight.**

"Here, found a spare robe a while ago...at least it's warm. Why again exactly are you up?"  
"I told you early riser..."  
"Not for any other reason then?"  
"With early risers a 2 mile run usually comes with it."  
"2 miles? I don't think I've ever run that in my life."  
"So? Doesn't mean I can't."  
"What? I never said that."  
"But that's what you were implying."  
"How could I imply something if I never knew what that something was?"  
"Don't be an idiot."  
"Don't be so argumentative then."  
"Look do you have anything or not?"

What is his fucking problem? 

"Only if you eat something."  
"When was that part of the deal."  
"I just said so."  
"Since when did you become my father?"  
"When he became too damn blind to see his oldest daughter was sick."  
"Don't threaten me buddy."  
"Oh? I may not want to put you in hospital...but it doesn't mean I won't."  
"Oh yeah?"  
"YEAH!"

**He's such a...argh! I don't even know what he is. Bastard.**

"I'm doing this the tough way. You're GOING to eat, you're GOING to get better, whether the hell you like it or not."  
"You know what...fuck you, I don't need your help."  
"Clearly you do, it wasn't a day ago when you were screaming and crying for me to help. Even Hotlips isn't that crazy."  
"I'm going back to bed."  
"Fine with me."  
"Screw you Hawkeye."  
"Right back at you MAJOR."

**OH! That arrogant prick of a man.**

'_**Looks like she's coming around'**_

'_**About time too...that whole beach thing was making me sick.'**_

'_**Don't I know it...welcome back Maggie.'**_

**You two can just piss off too.**

"Hello, Trapper...Yeah I know the time, sorry to wake you but...You have? That's great...A while after you left...screaming and yelling and swearing...yeah from Hotlips, it got better, we talked...good yesterday, not today...Just woke up in a shit of a mood...no, not yet...I know, she's gotta eat...her last words I think were screw you Hawkeye...oh yeah...I told her right back at you or something...it's just really hard, one minute she's one person and the next she's entirely different...Yeah BJ's still asleep...back in her room sulking...I just needed to hear a friendly voice...this whole thing is just racking my brain totally. I mean this is Margaret Houlihan we're talking about, She would never let herself get like this...she told me when I went and got her that history repeats itself...she's really scaring me...I've never had to deal with anything like this...even with that kid at Halloween I told you about...How can you help someone you love if most of the time they aren't who you love...I'm not talking about Hotlips or Major or any of them...she's like a phantom, and not just the whole really pale complexion either...I'm just really scared what will happen if we can't help her...how can you be sure? She's so damn stubborn...All I found out yesterday was she regrets not living her life and that Margaret never came back from Korea...What you know her as and what Charles knows her as are two completely different people...I was the only one who knows what she was like beginning to end...the differences are mind boggling...No, I've never seen her as she is now...I also found out she did it in Korea...nothing forcefully she said but I don't know what to believe...Yeah, okay...just find out what you can...I'll call her dad, hopefully he won't tear me apart...yeah, maybe I should ring Lorraine again...she's still in the army...ah I think she's in Georgia now...no, I don't want her up here just yet...yes she's seen it before...just this is worse and I'm afraid she'll freak out...hey I'm even freaking out...Okay I'll see you on Monday then...yeah tell Charles...okay Trapp, thanks...bye."

**Great – now Trapper thinks I'm a total wacko.**

**What does he want now?**

"Margaret."  
"What do you want?"  
"Go for a run, do whatever. This is your last chance to."  
"Yes DAD."  
"Stuff's in the study, go see what you can find out of it. Beach goes for about half a mile south til you hit rocks, and about a quarter of a mile north til you hit private land. I'm going back to bed for a few hours. Don't try and run away please."  
"Why would I?"  
"I give up!"

**Save us ALL a shit load of trouble.**

**Study study. Lots of photos. Hmmm, his dad was quite the hottie when he was younger. His mother's quite pretty too. He's got her eyes. Is that...oh my God it is! Hawk sure was a cute kid...just look at that lil' sailor suit! **

**Diplomas galore...Androscoggin...no Ivy League then? God he looks the same at his graduation as he did when he came. May 29th...God that was a month before he was drafted! This is ridiculous...they've just finished destroying lives and are starting again...I'm certainly never voting Republican again as long as I live...He's got quite a few books...Last of the Mohicans – naturally. Psychiatry, psychiatry, psychiatry, he's not seriously thinking of giving up operating? Finally, some medical books. **

**What's this?**

'Dr Pierce, thanks for everything you did to help me. I hope that when I'm gone, you'll remember me and with that, the many lives you saved and the few you brought back. Don't think about the negative, War kills, but not me. Remember, you've done a lot of good and will continue for years...thanks again for everything. Gary Sturgis'

**Leukaemia, a real bitch but at least it's an end.**

'Hawkeye, I don't know what you wrote to Ronnie, but it really changed him. I know change isn't much to a 9 year old, but he's more relaxed, happy and doing so much better. Why it's you? You always had a way with words, knowing just what to say to make people feel better. Ronnie's even talking about becoming a doctor. Thanks, whatever you did. Annie.'

**Kids...so cute but always take things the wrong way.**

'Dear Hank...' My God, he actually kept it...What else is here? 

'Heya Hawk, how's Civilian life treating you? Well I know how...but there's just so much you can't say over the phone. Erin's climbing all over me and Peg, demanding a brother. I've only been back for a month, this kid sure knows what she wants.'

Things haven't changed eh BJ? 

'So, instead we got her a fish. She's content with that...it's a lot cheaper and simpler than a brother.'

**Always able to compromise.**

'Any luck in tracking down Margaret? I found her sister for you, she hasn't heard from her in literally a year. You said Potter had no idea nor did Charles. Have you tried Radar? He can find anything...or anyone. You could try Klinger or Father Mulcahy. Hell, even Frank if you're that desperate...Wait, Potter must have some connections. If they can't find her, maybe Howitzer or her mom or even Lorraine Anderson. I know how badly you want to find her, we all do.'

**Hawkeye, Hawkeye, Hawkeye...no one knew where I was. Hey, I didn't even know where I was. I don't even know where I am.**

'Have you caught up with Trapper yet? Or is that going into enemy territory? Anyway, I'll catch you later. BJ'

**Well everyone's playing pals, it seems you did.**

'Dear Hawkeye, I know you and Margaret are close friends, and because of that you probably want to kill me for what I did to her. I know by all accounts you don't want to hear from me, but I want you to take care of her. I like her, she's got real spunk...just too much for me to handle. I hope she'll find someone who knows her, who can handle her and who can love her. Someone like you, or BJ. Please listen to me, I left her because I couldn't handle her unpredictability. I didn't know what I was doing wrong when she started screaming, I just didn't know what to do. I wasn't a strong enough man to stay faithful to her...plus being apart didn't help. I'm not making excuses, it's the truth. Please look after her. Donald.'

**What the hell? DONALD? THAT BASTARD! Writing, trying to justify his actions. Well fuck him...**

'Dear Margaret' What? 

'Well this is it. After 3 long years together, we're finally free...free from this war...this hell. I know you never had a 'home' to speak of, I can't begin to imagine what that must have been like. This camp has been more of a home to me at times then back in Crabapple Cove. When I first came here I had the thought I'd get my points, fool around a bit, drink a lot, patch up wounded kids and be home within a year. I never thought I would last the entire war, never thought I would miss any of it. I was going back and was going to forget all about it. Sure I'd still speak to Trapper and Henry and maybe even Radar. Boy did things change. Henry was killed, Trapper went home and BJ and Potter came. You and Frank then you and Donald, then Charles arrived...then you and I. Things began to change when you got engaged. I realised I what I would miss. The people and our closeness – physical and otherwise. Well. We've been through a lot. The only two to last the entire war. The only two who knew everyone who came through here. Henry, Trapper, Frank, Mulcahy, Klinger, BJ, Potter, Charles, Radar – everyone. And out of everyone I'm going to miss, I'm going to miss you the most. No, not BJ, you. Is it because we've known each other longer? I don't think so. I'm going to miss your smile, your face, your voice, your hands helping in surgery, those gorgeous legs of yours (you know I had to throw that in), your humour even your anger. You are an amazing person Margaret Houlihan, don't EVER tell yourself otherwise. I'll never be able to look at another flagpole the same way again! Love Hawkeye.

**Typical Hawkeye...such a damn prick vocally...on paper it all comes out. Why didn't he send this? Was it before or after...that night? There's got to be more.**

'I Benjamin Franklin Pierce, being of sound mind and endangered body, hereby declare this to be my Last Will and Testament.'

Oh my God...he made a will? The aid station... 

'I bequeath to my father all my worldly possessions except the following: To Charles Emerson Winchester, though we may have wounded your pride, you never lost your dignity. I therefore bequeath to you the most dignified thing I own-my bathrobe. Purple is the colour of royalty.'

**Wow, he really must have morals.**

'To Father Francis Mulcahy, I leave five cents. You are a man of God, and I know worldly possessions mean little to you, Father. So I leave you a nickel along with something I value more highly than anything I own-my everlasting respect.'

Typical Pierce... 'To you, Margaret Houlihan,' ME? 

'I leave my treasured Groucho nose and glasses. Perhaps they will remind you of how much I enjoyed that silly side you show all too infrequently.'

**What silly side? It was all because of you, you idiot.**

'To Sherman Potter, who's a lot like my dad, I leave The Last of the Mohicans, my dad's favourite book. I'd like you to have the copy he gave me.'

**Sherman Potter...definitely the dad of the camp.**

'To Maxwell Q. Klinger, I leave you the shirt off my back, not just any shirt, but my beloved Hawaiian shirt.'

Til death do us part... 

'To Erin Hunnicutt, I leave you a list of all the young men your daddy took care of while he was in Korea. Many of them have him to thanks for being alive today. I want you to understand why he had to be away from you those first years of your life.'

Oh Hawkeye, always sweet...I wonder if Erin ever got the list? 

'I hope I have the chance to give you this list in person. But around here, you never know. Benjamin Franklin Pierce'

**You made it back here...in relatively one piece. Unlike me, who isn't even a me. To you Margaret...no one else got a 'you' did they? What...like I don't who Margaret is? **

'_**Of course not. You're nuts and he knows it.'**_

'_**Or he thinks you're dumb'**_

'_**That too...'**_

**I'm surprised you two haven't told me to kill myself yet.**

'_**Naw, then we wouldn't be around either.'**_

'_**You know, that's quite profound...I never saw it that way.'**_

'_**Why thank you. And that's why I wear the white!'**_

'_**I always preferred the red...gave a little oomph to it.'**_

**I must be crazy...they're not talking to me.**

'No, you're just boring us...' 

**So what do you do when you're away? Is there like a bar inside my head?**

'_**That's a myth, we're just in the mind. If we were in your head you'd be dead.'**_

'_**And so would we.'**_

'_**No, we do what you do. Poker, read, play around.'**_

**So you're the one causing all the headaches then?**

'**We said we weren't in your head...doesn't mean we don't poke through it.'**

**Really thanks. **

'_**Hey, the sicker you get the stronger we are.'**_

'_**So just stay sick and we'll stick around.'**_

But they won't 

'**They? WHO NEEDS THEM! They won't always be here.'**

**And neither will you two.**

'_**Not if we can help it.'**_

'_**Come on, this is getting boring.'**_

'_**Plus there's someone who's been looking at you for the past 5 minutes too.'**_

**WHAT?!**

"I was wondering when you'd finally get the message I was standing here."  
"I thought you were going to bed?"  
"Figured you'd need a hand. Find anything interesting?"  
"Nothing that you don't know about."  
"Well seeing it's my house, I should know everything. Why didn't you hear me?"  
"You didn't say anything."  
"Margaret, I've been trying to get your attention for the past 5 minutes."  
"RUBBISH!"  
"You've been zoned out, like you were somewhere else."  
"If I knew where I was, I'd tell you okay?"  
"You said Korea."  
"What?"  
"You said you were still in Korea?"  
"When?"  
"Yesterday, on the beach, remember?"  
"Yeah, no, wait...I'm not sure."  
"You're not sure?"  
"My head's just too clouded. I really need to get out."  
"Look, I found something of my baby cousin's."  
"What exactly are you saying?"  
"My baby cousin...she's..."  
"What?"  
"15...these should be okay."  
"Oh, fine."  
"Well I would say have fun, but that's clearly not in your dictionary at this time. Come get me when Margaret pops in."  
"Idiot."  
"As I said, you can yell, you can scream YOU CAN CURSE BUT I'M STILL GONNA BE HERE!"

**Just shut up and drop dead.**

**At least the sweater still fits...**

**God it's cold out here. Run will do me the world of good. Not to mention there won't be the slightest possibility of me pissing off his royal heroship. That's not even a word...I really gotta do something.**

**Tests? Did he say tests yesterday? Was I even here yesterday? What tests? Did he even mention what ones? Do I tell him the truth?**

'Of course not DUH!' 

**But then again maybe he'll give it up.**

'**Maybe, but maybe he won't.'**

**I could tell Charles or someone who won't tell him...I wouldn't be lying and he wouldn't know. Then again, what business is it of anyones? **

**And ringing my dad...Howitzer would sooner see him in the stockade than speak to him about me. Stockade...still all that army shit stored in your brain. At least it's 7am and not oh-seven-hundred. And surplus isn't something you eat all the time. But everything's a problem before it affects anyone else...damn civilian way of thinking. **

**Charles and Trapper WORKING TOGETHER? And who's Henry? Uncle Charles, Uncle Trapper, Uncle Hawkeye, Grampa Sherman...all in a year everyone's closer than before! There's probably Uncle Radar and Uncle Klinger too. Aunty Margaret? Where the hell did they get that from? Only Aunt to Adam and Ally and I've never met them before...kids...foolish, unaware, free of responsibilities and can get away with murder. Downside? **

**No drinking or smoking...they don't know about that yet either. Hell it's not a habit. Is it? Of course not! Sex...plenty of kids do it. Plenty of married people do it...and not necessarily with whom they're married to either. Donald – that asshole did that with that whore Darlene...and whoever else he could find. Anyone but me. And I'm just as bad! Hawkeye...said he never regretted it...why would he complain? He's now had the entire nursing staff. I was just the completion of the deck. Plus I don't exactly lie there and do nothing...well I never used to. Lately...hell lately's just a release...I never heard any complaints afterwards. Maybe that's where the smoking thing came from?**

**Did I even bring them? Great, probably not. I'll just get some more. Yeah...right...with what?**

**What would Hotlips do? Do 'favours' for someone. What would Margaret do? Ask someone. What would Major Houlihan do? Order someone. What would I do?**

Steal from someone... 


	6. And it swings one side to the other

**Oh great, BJ.**

"Hey, you're up!"  
"So? I'm always up at this time."  
"It's the army way of life."  
"I'm not army."  
"Coulda fooled me. Where've you been?"  
"What are you Hawkeye? I've been for a run what's wrong with that?"  
"Nothing, I was just..."  
"Playing concerned parent?"  
"No, playing concerned friend."  
"Well Hawkeye's playing concerned parent so I guess you gotta play a role somewhere."

Patronising Hypocrite 

"What's this about not army?"  
"Oh, didn't he tell you? I thought you people would know more than I do by now. I quit, that's what."  
"WHAT?"  
"You deaf? I said I quit."  
"Why?"  
"I hated it. I hated all the damn rules. I'm allowed to hate it aren't I? You and Pierce certainly were."  
"I'm not saying you're not allowed to hate it...why are you asking me? You don't need my permission."

Don't need permission? HA! 

"Oh don't I? Seems everything I do is wrong...I just don't want to UPSET anyone."  
"Why, what's so wrong about that. People do it all the time it's a part of human nature."  
"Oh ho, don't go all Sigmund Freud on me, you just step back and play your role...humble DAMN lackey!"

Poor, Poor BJ, going to miss people the most, deserves to be out the most...LIKE HELL! 

"Fine Margaret, you want to be disagreeable, then you do that. I'm not going to play Hawkeye, I'm not going to yell and scream back...so you can just deal. I agreed to help and that's what I'm going to do."  
"Oh it's a damn good thing you're not him."  
"Don't try and threaten me, now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to find my family. Goodbye."

**Good riddance. I haven't been here a day and this place is ALREADY getting to me. **

"Knock, knock."

Oh joy –Potter's here! Lets all have a pick on Margaret because she's a psycho party! 

"It's open."  
"Margaret, you're..."  
"If I here one more 'you're up...'"  
"I was going to say you're here."

**Yeah right.**

"It's not like I have the chance to run away. Now please, if you're going to yell at me or say anything, you better get it over with. Or even better, don't bother."  
"Margaret, I'm...we're all here to help you. You do know that?"  
"How can I not? EVERYONE keeps reminding me."  
"But do you REALLY know it?"  
"Yes, sure I do."  
"You do know that you have a problem?"

Didn't I just answer that...or are you a little thick? 

"Again everyone..."  
"NO, honestly."  
"Honestly, from where I see it there's nothing wrong with me. I'm here because Hawkeye wants me to. And if he thinks there's a problem he can. And if by a large chance there is, he can fix it."  
"What do you mean large chance?"  
"Colonel please, you know I'm not the most stable person you've met."  
"No, you're not."  
"So I'm bound to be screwed up somehow."  
"So you're admitting it?"

WHAT? 

"NO, I'm not saying that at all."  
"But you just..."  
"I'm SAYING that...oh don't worry about it."  
"No I will...why do you think I would drag me and the missus down here if I didn't think this was serious?"  
"Miss me?"  
"Besides that. No, more than that. I think of you as my daughter, and I don't want...I don't like to see my children sick."  
"Sick? WHAT DOES EVERYONE THINK I AM?"  
"Whoa, Margaret calm down."  
"No I will not calm do...down."  
"What's wrong?"  
"Just a...it's nothing okay? BJ's up, go bitch to him."

Oh God Oh God Oh God...headache go away! 'Wow...I can see her brain!' 

'_**Hmmm...hasn't been used in a while.'**_

'_**No wait...look, that parts glowing!'**_

'_**Crazy central...yeah you're right...that part is being used...overused.'**_

"Haven't you two got tired of giving me a headache?"

'_**Watch out...she's using another part.'**_

"I'm surprised that you haven't figured out the sicker I get...the closer I get to dying?"

'_**Hey, she's got a point there.'**_

'_**You know...she's right. Well done Margaret...'**_

"Margaret?"  
"Hmmm?"  
"Are you okay? I thought I heard you say something?"  
"No, I'm fine Colonel, how are you and Mildred?"  
"We're...okay."  
"Where's BJ, I thought I heard him come in?"  
"Uhhh, yeah you said he was up."  
"I thought I heard him. Where's Mildred?"  
"Still at Dan's place. Margaret...are you feeling alright?"  
"A little hungry."  
"How about I get you something?"  
"Toast and jam would be great thanks."  
"Coffee?"  
"Yeah...white"  
"One sugar, I remember."  
"So how was your trip?"  
"Oh, we flew, nice scenery Maine has...I could live here if mother wasn't so found of Missouri."  
"Yeah, this place does grow on you a bit...I've only been here a day."  
"Okay, why don't I go see if anyone else is up?"  
"I'll just go watch some television."

**Hmm, this is nice. Just like breakfast in Korea...except made in 1954 not 44. News, news, news...ahhh, finally some entertainment.**

"Margaret?"  
"In here Hawk!"  
"How was your run?"  
"Cold to say the least...but refreshing."  
"Toast and Coffee coming right up."  
"Did Potter wake you?"  
"Yeah, that's okay...I was sick of sleeping anyway."  
"Yeah, nothing gets done...life's been pretty boring lately."  
"Why do you say that?"  
"Well, I tried working for a few months...I just got sick of being treated...like a nurse. I want to do more...I'm too old to go back and do something else. I'd be happy settling down, getting married...you know, all that."  
"I had a few thoughts about that myself. What are you watching?"  
"Fantasia...I love this movie."  
"The Disney one?"  
"Yeah...it's wonderful, how Mickey and the brooms...and I love the mushrooms at the beginning...they're kinda like you."  
"Me? How?"

Oh Pierce! I figured you would know this movie off by heart! 

"Just how mischievous the odd one out is...you're so easy to spot in a crowd."  
"So uh...you feel up to eating?"  
"I'm starving...It's like I haven't eaten for days."  
"Uh...Margaret, do you remember this morning?"  
"I got up, had a shower, said good morning to you and went for a run."  
"Where did you get those pants from?"  
"I really can't rem...you gave them to me I think...didn't you?"  
"Toast and coffee, some for you too Pierce...I'll go find BJ."  
"Do you remember when?"

Hmmm, what's wrong? 

"Sometime this week...what's with the 20 questions?"  
"Nothing, come on, the toast is getting cold."  
"Mmm, this is nice."  
"It's all in the jam. My grandmother spends 2 months just making jars and jars of it, all different varieties. Then at thanksgiving, she gives us 14 or so jars each."  
"14?"  
"I have a large family so she ends up making well over 200."  
"200 JARS?"  
"Yeah, but she loves it...and it's not half bad either."  
"I'll say."

This is great! 

"Hey Hawk you're up."  
"You were right Margaret, he was up earlier."  
"Of course I was didn't you...never mind."  
"Where's Peg, I'm dying to meet her."  
"Right here. Hello Margaret, nice to finally meet you."  
"You too...and this must be Erin?"  
"Hiya!"  
"Your daddy was wrong...you're even more cuter than he said you were."  
"Were you really with my daddy and uncle Hawkeye in a war?"  
"I was...but I was with Hawkeye for longer."  
"Was she Uncle Hawk?"  
"That's right. Remember Uncle Trapper was there before your daddy was."  
"Oh yeah! Did you know my uncle Trapper too?"  
"Yes and your Uncle Charles."  
"Wow...I thought only men could be doctors!"

She's sooo cute! 

"Well I was a nurse you see."  
"Like Melissa at your work daddy?"  
"Not quite...she's my secretary...like Aunty Kate. My sister."  
"She's a nurse?"  
"3 Generations of doctors kinda made up her...yeah she is."  
"Do you have anymore Uncles?"  
"Of course I do! There's uncle Max and uncle Radar...though his fianc fianc..."  
"Fiancée"  
"She calls him Walter...I think that's funny!"

MARRIED? RADAR?! 

"Radar's getting married? Since when?"  
"A couple of months ago. Emma's really nice."  
"You met her?"  
"Uh, yeah...a month ago they came down."  
"I wish I could have seen him."  
"We wish you could have too."  
"So mommy...can I have a brother?"  
"Daddy and I are still talking about it."  
"If we do...what happens if it's a sister?"  
"Can I name her then?"  
"Anything you want!"  
"YAY! How about...Margaret!"  
"Oh I think we have enough Margarets for now."

**Certainly has the influence of Hawkeye.**

"No, you're Aunty Margaret...not baby Margaret."  
"How about it BJ?"  
"And what if it's a brother?"  
"HAWKEYE!"  
"HA! Now we DEFINITLY have more than enough Hawkeyes in the world."  
"Hey! I take that as an offence!"  
"Well it's all in how you inter...pret it."  
"Hey, you okay?"  
"Just a slight headache..."  
"Still bad?"  
"Still?"  
"You were holding your head before...just before I found Hawkeye."

'_They're onto you Margaret'_

'_**Yeah, gotta get out of there.'**_

"Margaret how about some fresh air?"  
"Yeah."  
"Is Aunty Margaret okay?"  
"Remember honey, she's a little sick but I think we can make her better."  
"Aunty Margaret's really skinny..."  
"I know sweetie. I know."

'See...now the kid knows somethings wrong...' 

"You okay?"  
"What the hell just happened?"  
"What do you mean?"  
"In there...I blanked out...what did you give me?"  
"Nothing...just coffee and toast."  
"TOAST? What...how...when..."  
"It's just some toast, not like anything's going to go wrong."  
"No Hawkeye...something will go wrong...something bad...something VERY bad."  
"Margaret...MARGARET STOP!"  
"What is it Hawk?"  
"She's doing it."  
"Come on Erin...let's go get you..."

**And that's all I can hear. **

** cough cough **

'_**Thatta girl Margaret, get it all out of your system.'**_

"Margaret stop it STOP IT!"  
"Hawkeye..."  
"She's doing it...I can't stop her...I CAN'T STOP HER!"  
"Hawk...what are you doing?"  
"Breaking down the fucking door...she's got to stop this...Margaret STOP! Don't you see what you're doing to yourself...DON'T YOU SEE WHAT YOU'RE DOING?"  
"Hawkeye...I..."  
"Come on, come on, don't black out on me. Come on..."  
"It was just a piece of toast..."  
"JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!"  
"Shhh, Margaret...Margaret it's okay, it's alright."

**And now...here I am. Sitting on Hawkeye's lap, crying like a baby, him rocking me back and forth...kinda like sea-sickness. **

"Don't Hawkeye I think I'm gonna..."

Don't throw up on the floor, don't throw up on the floor, don't throw up on the... 

"It's okay...it's okay. Everything's going to be alright."

Here he is again...holding my hair back while everything else goes forward and... 

"I'm calling Sidney Hawk..."  
"Beej"  
"Hawkeye it's for the..."  
"Tell him to hurry."  
"Right."  
"Hawk...Hawkeye..."  
"Shhh, don't talk right now...come on, let's get you cleaned up."  
"I...I don't think I can move..."  
"What?"  
"Has this happened before?"  
"A...A few times. Just lately though."  
"Are you sure?"  
"Of course I'm sure...don't you think I wouldn't know if I couldn't?"  
"Come on...just lie down."  
"Hawkeye..."  
"Hmm?"  
"I...I don't wanna be left alone."  
"Sherman, could you tell dad what's happened and everything?"  
"Okay son."  
"Come on, I'll carry you."

I'm going to cry...I DON'T CARE ANY MORE! 

"I just feel so out of control..."  
"I know...we can tell..."  
"I really don't want to feel like this...but..."  
"But what?"  
"I...deserv-ve this."  
"NO, no no no Margaret don't say that please. You don't deserve this. You don't deserve to be alone...you deserve to be loved...you deserve to be better."  
"I don't deserve to be helped."  
"Margaret...how can you even think that?"  
"I just don't want to be alone."  
"I'll stay with you."  
"I've been alone for so long Hawkeye."  
"Shhh, don't talk. We'll just lie here."  
"We?"  
"Come here."  
"Hawkeye..."  
"I won't try anything, I promise."

**And so I'm letting him. Letting him put his arms around me, lying down on his bed. **

"I miss being held by someone."  
"What?"  
"I...I miss being loved."  
"I do too."  
"You don't understand."  
"What don't I understand? I want to, but you have to tell me. Please Margaret...let me help you."  
"Just don't let go."  
"I won't...ever."  
"You say you haven't been with anyone since me."  
"That I did and it's true."  
"I have."  
"That's okay Margaret."  
"But not like that last night in Korea. I...I...I don't feel anything. I don't feel the love, not from them, not from me."  
"Them?"  
"Everyone I've been with...I don't want to do it anymore...when I do I just feel so...I feel like a..."  
Slut, Whore...take your pick! 

"Don't say it...you're NONE of those. You are Margaret Houlihan, a beautiful, magnificent, wonderful, loving woman. Who I care for more than anything else in this whole world."  
"Just like the letter."  
"Exactly."  
"But I'm not...I'm NOT Margaret Houlihan...she's dead...she died back in Korea."  
"No she didn't. She's alive. As alive as I am. She's just lost. You want her back?"  
"Of course I do, like you even have to ask."  
"You need to tell me when you started to feel like this."  
"You didn't know me when I started feeling like I do now."  
"When then? When did all this start?"  
"When I started vomiting...I've been unhappy half my life Hawkeye. I'm just so tired...I want it to be over."

I HATE IT I HATE IT HAAAAATE IT! 

"It will be...I will always be here to help you. Whether it takes 5, 10 or 50 years."  
"But you can't Hawkeye...not by yourself."  
"That's why I called BJ and everyone. I knew I couldn't handle this...handle seeing you like you are."  
"I know...I'm really scaring you."  
"Yes you are...and I'm scared what will happen."  
"I'm scared too."  
"But they've all agreed to stay as long as you need."  
"They all hate me."  
"No they don't."  
"Yes they do. I yelled and screamed at BJ and Potter and Trapper thinks I'm nuts. Charles...probably both. And you...I nearly hit you."  
"It wouldn't be a first."

Hawkeye...please DON'T 

"Please don't bring that up."  
"Okay, I'm sorry. Like I said before, you can scream, you can yell, you can swear your head off at me, you can sock me, but I am NOT giving up on you."  
"It's not that simple..."  
"Look, I understand this is going to be hell for you. It's going to be hell for me too...nothing is simple. I don't know the full story."  
"I don't either."  
"You remember when I got sent to Seoul near the end?"

**I hated those 2 weeks. Slowly nod.**

"Well I was just like you. I had no idea what was wrong with me...as far as I saw it there was nothing wrong. Sure I acted crazy...but I do that all the time."  
"So what happened?"  
"You know why I went nuts..."  
"Yes"  
"It took Sidney 2 weeks to literally pull the truth out of my mind. First on the bus, there was a party, then a chicken, then...the baby. I blamed myself for his death..."  
"You know it wasn't."  
"I do now...I sat there on the bed crying my eyes out at...the memory."  
"We don't have to talk about this..."  
"No, I'm okay. But I had only been that way for 2 weeks..."

**I've been sick for 15 years.**

"I've been like this for 15 years."  
"So, I don't know how long this is going to take, but I'm here for the whole ride."  
"You sure you don't want to get off before it starts?"  
"I've got my seatbelt strapped tight...I'll be fine."  
"Maybe after we can get some candy floss."  
"It's a deal!"

Or lobster...this is Maine after all. I...I have to ask him...I can't do this alone... 

"Will you sleep with me?"  
"Uh..."  
"I mean sleep...nothing else."  
"Now...okay."  
"No...I mean at night."  
"Margaret..."  
"It's just...I don't trust myself. And I feel better knowing I have someone close. Please?"  
"Since you asked so well...of course. Whatever YOU Margaret, want."

Me, Margaret...I like that. Still... 

"I'm sorry about everything...getting you involved in my fucked up life."  
"I got involved in it a long time ago..."  
"I mean now...now I look and act like a freak."  
"Margaret, don't cry please...you're not yourself, you haven't been for a long time. When you feel better...then you can talk."  
"So you agree I am?"  
"Not a freak...just sick."  
"Hawkeye...I'm cold..."  
"Cover yourself up."

WHAT? Don't leave me! PLEEEEASE!? 

"Where are you going?!"  
"Dad just called."  
"I didn't..."  
"He did...I'll be back in a minute...I promise. Dad!"  
"HAWK! What happened?"

**Mmm this is nice...and cosy. I could fall yawn asleep.**

"All's calmer."  
"Mmm...don't go."  
"I'm still here, not going anywhere."  
"I don't want you to go."  
"I said I wasn't..."  
"Just stay here...I'll be good."  
"Shhh...Margaret, you're dreaming. Go to sleep."

**So I did. I've been sleeping the rest of the day away...I know he'll want me to eat soon...I want to do what he wants...but I can't. Why? I don't know...Hawk, you can't help me on this one...I need Sidney's help.**

"Hey...Hey Hawk?"  
"Mmm?"  
"Sorry to wake you Margaret."  
"No...I've been sleeping more and more lately, that can't be healthy."  
"Margaret, just go to sleep."  
"Looks like someone hasn't though."  
"The last year's been tough. He found everyone he wanted to..."  
"But me, I know, I've been a real bitch to everyone."  
"I wouldn't go that far. But I am glad you're...yourself at the moment."  
"I enjoy being a little more Margaret and a little less...whoever."  
"And I enjoy more sleep."  
"Sorry."  
"What's up?"  
"Trapper and Charles called, they'll be back tomorrow."  
"Already?"  
"Armed with every bit of medical knowledge about it."  
"BJ, it's not medical..."  
"I know...it can't do any harm though?"  
"MmmmHmmm."

Don't fall asleep... 

"Did they mention anything in particular?"  
"There have been quite a few cases...nearly all girls between 12 and 24. And similar ones between 22-35."  
"That fits..."  
"Not quite. Margaret, you show aspects of both cases...but not entirely every aspect. Unless there's something you're not telling us."  
"Medically speaking yeah. But bound to be more mentally."  
"Aspects like what?"  
"Well the lack of weight – obviously"  
"Gee thanks a lot."  
"You generally gain weight after eating mess tent food, even Erin noticed."  
"I know."  
"What else?"  
"Mood swings, lack of appetite. But that's general."  
"And mine's at certain times."  
"Which is a good thing because that's what's sustained you for this long."

**Great – insanity does have an upside.**

"Margaret, I said we had to do the tests remember?"  
"Does it have to wait?"  
"Why?"  
"What mood am I going to be in tomorrow?"  
"I really want the others there. 5 doctors are better than 3."  
"Okay...no guarantees."  
"Margaret...this is a rather personal question, but are you...lacking certain things? Medically speaking."  
"Like what Beej?"  
"Just say it BJ...we're all medical professionals."  
"Speak for yourself."  
"When was your last time of the month?"  
"Oh...that."  
"What is 'oh that?'"  
"Not for about 6 months."  
"MARGARET!"  
"Well you try having it for 17 years and see how well you like it!"  
"That was common in both cases. Though 98% of them were only young girls. I don't have much idea of how it'll affect you in the long run."  
"But don't worry about that now, what else?"

**Oh great, lack of cycle, lack of children. You've really fucked yourself now Margaret.**

"The vomiting was in one case, which..."  
"Which I do have big time."  
"Which is not good. As you suspected Hawk, the stomach acid rots the teeth, but most of these girls were – as you are – hygiene obsessed. Stomach lining not that crash hot. Complications like that."  
"What about the other things?"  
"Well, as far as they can tell, these girls had a food obsession. Often gorging themselves and using any method to get rid of it. Also storing of food, making a lot of it, cooking for people but never eating it themselves."  
"No, it's more of a food phobia than anything else."

**Not like I didn't have enough things wrong to begin with.**

"That was a big thing in both cases. Which is why yours is more concerning."  
"How? Wouldn't it be better to have less wrong?"  
"I never said it was less. The gap in this illness has to be filled by something else. The danger is, no one knows what it is?"  
"Well, that's why you called Sidney."  
"Oh, and to add more seriousness to the situation. A 35% increase of heart attack."  
"Wonderful! I think I need some air. Any habits besides what you said?"

**Of course there would be...it is an 'illness.'**

"At random, drinking, gambling..."  
"Smoking?"  
"Some."  
"Why?"  
"Take a guess!"  
"You want me to come with you?"  
"If I brought the packet from home...What about sex?"  
"What about it? Is it a habit? These girls were pretty young...but I can only guess so."  
"Great!"  
"What?"  
"I'll tell you later."  
"Yes...got em!"  
"Oh, everyone's here too."  
"How long is recovery?"  
"The oldest record I think Charles said was 1947...happily married now."  
"Great, seven years."  
"The trend is the older, the longer."  
"How old was she?"  
"When it started, 17."  
"That's a good sign, 2 years ahead."  
"But 6 years younger now."  
"Yeah, and Sidney?"  
"He's busy at the moment. Told us to keep doing what we were and that he'd come up when he could. Probably next week sometime"  
"Wonderful, but we'll have to change the table seating, 6 not 5 plus the nut."  
"I'm sure our waiter can sort something out."

I think these people are crazier than I am! HA! 


	7. Flashbacks with a few home truths

"Dinner's ready!"  
"COME AND GET IT!!!"

**-FLASHBACK-**

"ATT: ALL PERSONNEL, DUE TO UNMITTIGATING CIRCUMSTANCES WE REGRET TO INFORM YOU THAT LUNCH IS BEING SERVED!"

"_Surplus...?"  
"1944"  
"Ahhh a fine year!"  
"What are we having?"  
"You're appetite really astounds me you know?"  
"What can I say? I'm a growing boy!"  
"I mean the fact that you have one."  
"I just got the latest gossip from Mill Valley. Seems Erin made a mess of the kitchen and Peg ran over the trash can."  
"The hazards of married life."  
"What is this stuff anyway?"  
"Purple stuff is...moving."  
"And what's this green stuff?"  
"I believe it's related to the Chicago Sewer system."  
"Thanks Hawkeye...I think I'll settle with rock toast."  
"Suit yourself. Margaret...Margaret?"  
"Hmm?"  
"You alright?"  
"Just...thinking."  
"Anything in particular?"  
"Just what life would be like when we all leave."  
"No War, No stench, No surplus crap."  
"No friends..."  
"What makes you say that?"  
"I feel more at home here than I ever had anywhere else..."  
"We'll still see each other. Where were you thinking of going?"  
"Holiday somewhere warm maybe...then I dunno...somewhere?"  
"Maine's a great place."  
"So is San Francisco!"  
"Or Boston."  
"Or even Missouri."  
"Somewhere different...I don't know."  
"And it all depends on where they assign you too."  
"No...I think I've had enough of all this...excuse me."_

**-PRESENT DAY-**

"Margaret...Margaret."  
"Yeah?"  
"What do you want to eat?"  
"Salad, bread, scotch..."  
"The first two I can do."  
"I don't think I can."  
"Only if you want to. What's on your mind?"  
"Why do you ask that?"  
"You were daydreaming..."  
"No, just a flashback...happens all the time."  
"Anything in particular?"  
"Nothing that'll help you no."  
"If something ever does..."  
"I'll let you know."  
"Okay, how bout some lemonade?"  
"No scotch, but it'll do."  
"It'll have to...I'm all out."

** cough cough What did he put in this?**

"Hey hey not to fast, that's young stuff..."  
"I'll say. It's worse than that rat poison you drank."  
"Shouldn't be...it's diluted"  
"GIN?"  
"Yep - Secret ingredient is rat poison. I said no scotch...I didn't say no alcohol."  
"I should have guessed...knowing you."  
"Are you saying I'm predictable?"  
"At least one of us is."  
"Margaret, how did you sleep?"  
"No dreams..."  
"Aunty Margaret, will you sit next to me pleeeease?"  
"How can I resist that face?"  
"You can't...BJ's tried and failed."  
"So you two seriously thinking of another child?"  
"Thinking, but still not sure."  
"If it were up to him, we'd have 6 kids already. – HA!"  
"How many would you settle for?"  
"4, maybe 5."  
"At least"  
"At most."  
"Mommy and Daddy says I can gets a brother soon."  
"And what would he be called?"  
"HAWKEYE!"

Oh this kid is priceless! 

"See, she just adores me don't ya?"

Who couldn't? 

"That's cause you gots a beach!"  
"So do we!"  
"Yeah, but Hawkeye's is better."  
"How?"  
"Because I said so."  
"See – Atlantic wins all the time."  
"Well I should just leave you here then!"  
"Noooooo! Cause then you won't be my daddy."  
"You won there Beej."

**He still seems shaky about not seeing her...and not surprising.**

"BENNNN!"  
"Oooh grampa Dan's home!"  
"Hang on YEAH!"  
"So Margaret, what have you been doing this past year?"

**Gee Mildred, straight to the point.**

"After I left Korea I went to Hawaii for a break. Nice warm non-artillery beaches. A month after that"  
"A MONTH?!"  
"Or two. I had all the paperwork in and 2 weeks later I was no longer in the army. My father soon found out and has refused to see me."  
"Your own father?"  
"Uh huh! But if he wants to be a pr...jerk about it then fine."  
"What about the rest of your family."

**I feel like a damn criminal here.**

"I was never close with my mother. My sister and her family are I guess...off in California somewhere."  
"You guess?"  
"Just what I said. I haven't spoken to any of my family since..."  
"Since Howitzer dropped in?"  
"Yeah."

**About time you showed up.**

"I went to Tokyo a month later to see him, but that was to tell me how I could get promoted faster. So I told him sorry, I was urgently needed back at camp and left."  
"Dan! How was your day?"  
"Not too bad. But when the heat hits, boy will it hit!"  
"I know what you mean. I got less wounded in 4 months than I did heatstroke patients in 4 weeks!"  
"Yeah, but Hannibal's a lot bigger than here."  
"Hannibal also has 3 other practices."

I AM HERE YOU KNOW! 

"Dad – Margaret, Margaret – Dad."  
"Pleasure to meet you."

HA! 

"Even under these circumstances?"  
"Yes, even under these."  
"You want something dad?"  
"You think I came all the way over here for a social call?"  
"What all the way over here? You live 3 streets away. Takes less time to walk from there to here than it is to your garage."  
"And whose fault is that?"  
"Just because I can cut and stitch my way along a body blindfolded successfully, doesn't mean I can hammer a nail."  
"Do you know how many bandaids this kid wasted?"  
"It was 8 and every one was needed."  
"You have your uncles sense of handyman's work."  
"Well go find yourself a new son!"  
"Nah! Cost too much!"

**Oh look, everyone's playing happy families! Oh hi Margaret how was your day? Oh good dad, hey guess what? I quit the army! WHAT? Bye!**

"So do you want dinner or don't you?"  
"Depends...what is it?"  
"Cold cuts and salad. Too hot for anything else."  
"You call this hot?"  
"Yeah, 85 degrees is hot"  
"Try living in California!"  
"No thanks, was there once. You west coasters have no taste,"  
"Suit yourself!"  
"Plus I like my sea on the RIGHT side. You agree don't ya kiddo?"  
"Course I do, you're my uncle HAWK!"  
"Oh you have so corrupted my daughter!"  
"That's my goal in life Peg, to corrupt as many of your children as possible!"

Good for you... 

"Margaret dear, you finished?"  
"No."  
"Yes."  
"No."  
"I ate the salad and the lemonade...I'm more than full."

Jackass 

"You never finished telling us what you've been doing."  
"I moved to New York...I don't know because I've never been there before? Tried working at one of the hospitals for a few months, but was so sick and tired of doing nothing but taking pulses, temperatures, administering medicine and cleaning up after mess. Also being treated like dirt by the doctors didn't exactly boost my enthusiasm."  
"You didn't go into surgery?"  
"No. Apparently us war vets aren't 'stable' enough to operate."  
"THAT'S BUL...ridiculous!"  
"So, I quit. That was seven months ago and have really done nothing since."  
"How did you survive?"

**We ALL know what YOU'RE thinking Hawkeye...just because I screw around DOESN'T mean I do it for money...**

"Not what you're thinking. I was mysteriously getting money put into my account. I later found out it was my father."  
"So maybe he does care?"  
"Or doesn't want me to spoil the family name."  
"You really don't think that?"  
"Of course I do! I would have refused the money, except that was my last and only choice."  
"Erin sweetie, lets go see what uncle Hawk has for dessert?"  
"Can I mommy?"  
"Yeah, but only if I can come too!"  
"It wasn't, all you had to do was call me. You had my number...well dad's number."  
"And have your pity?"  
"No, we would have helped you sooner. And maybe you wouldn't be in this mess now."  
"Let's all throw it back on me! Now if you'll excuse me..."  
"Uh, uh,"  
"What do you mean 'uh, uh'?"  
"I am not letting you out of my sight for the next 12 hours. You want help Houlihan? Then you got it!"  
"Hawkeye..."  
"No, if I have to be there for you when you're in tears, then I'm there for the whole thing. Welcome for the ride Margaret. It's gonna be hell...but you're stuck with it!"  
"You bastard!"  
"I may be a bastard, but you're gonna get help whether YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!"  
"I'll get her..."  
"Thanks Beej..."

That arrogant, self-conceding, prick! 

"Margaret!"  
"What fucking right does he have?"  
"You heard what we said yesterday, Hawkeye really cares for you...more than he realises. What you don't know is that he feels partly responsible for this..."  
"THIS?"  
"You remember...the process where you eat, stick your fingers down your throat and throw it back up – THAT one!"  
"And why do you care?"  
"Because my cousin went through the same damn thing THAT'S why!"

BJ – cousin – same thing? 

"Cousin?"  
"Yeah – Callie. She had this for 16 years non-stop. Saw EVERY specialist known to man. It was only when she collapsed and had a fit that she fixed herself. You know how many kids she has now? None. She screwed her system up SO MUCH that it permanently prevented her chance of ever having children. I know and Hawk knows how bad you want kids. I'm begging you Margaret, don't do what she did to herself. You have a chance of fixing this. Not a great chance, but the sooner you do it, the sooner you'll feel better. Don't let your dream slip away because of a few bastard voices which aren't real."

**He...he really struck a nerve...Jesus, what do I do now? Wipe away your tears and stop crying would be a start...**

"But they ARE real. They're what's causing the headaches...IT'S THEM!"  
"Margaret, just let it out."

**-FLASHBACK-**

"It's my fault. I should have taken better care of him!"  
"Margaret, it's not your fault he died. It was an accident."  
"Why does everyone have to leave? If I can't help a dog...what hope have I got?"  
"Margaret, you do more good here than I do."  
"How?"  
"Sure enough we're the ones who take out the bullets, but you. You see through their entire care. You keep people inline and when you go to do something, you put your whole heart into it. What happened today was NOT your fault. You cared for that dog when no one else did, and by feeding him, you gave him a chance at life."  
"You really believe that?"  
"I do. And although I may hate the army, I have always respected what you do for it. And It's okay to be sad, as Radar said, dogs are people too."  
"Can you stay with me?"  
"Sure...you know how I said you do more good than me?"  
"Yes?"  
"You look MUCH better in a sweater."  
"Thank you...Hawkeye."

**-PRESENT DAY-**

"Margaret...Margaret. You okay now?"  
"I just need Haw...some fresh air."  
"I'll go find him."

Why is it I keep running to him? Why does he keep letting me? 

"DAN, you seen Hawk?"  
"Upstairs"  
"Thanks, HAWK...HAWK!"  
"YEAH, what? Is something wrong?"  
"You have a bigger shoulder to cry on."  
"You alright?"  
"No."  
"I'll go find Peg"  
"Come here..."

**Just hold me...please.**

"I'm not going to say I'm sorry."  
"I wasn't expecting you to."  
"God what am I going to do with you?"  
"Can we go for a run?"  
"What?"  
"Please, it helps calm me down."  
"Okay, but I'm not in shape."  
"I don't care...I just don't want to be left alone."  
"You're not...ever."

Why is he doing this?  
Why does he want me here?  
How can he forget what I've done to him...how I always got him into trouble?  
Why does he care about me?  
What makes me better or more worthy than anyone else?  
Why does he like me? 

"Took your time!"  
"What do you mean? I've only been gone 5 minutes."  
"No, you've been gone for three quarters of an hour."  
"No, It was only 5 minutes...you think I can remember the time?"  
"Look at your watch – see 45...well now 46 minutes. But it was faster than me, I usually take an hour."  
"Usually? I thought you said you weren't in shape?"  
"I lied...I'm just feeling lazy – didn't get much sleep."  
"You didn't follow?"  
"I can see right up the beach, I was watching."  
"I didn't ask that..."

Keep up with the program HAWK! 

"Look, if you were alone, wouldn't I be inside and you still be in New York? Come on, it's nearly 9 o'clock."  
"It's still light out."  
"Only just. This is Maine."  
"NO! And I thought it was Australia!"  
"AND so it's light out still."  
"Do we have to go back?"  
"No, we can just sit here if you want."  
"It's just...Charles and Trapper are back tomorrow..."  
"And they'd be happy to see you."  
"What little there is of me?"  
"What are you afraid of? It's just Chuck and Trapp."

**Haven't you worked that out yet? I thought it was obvious...even Radar would know what it was by now.**

"I'm afraid of...I'm afraid of what else they'll find. I mean what if I have something REALLY wrong...or worse?"  
"Why would you say that? What else aren't you saying? And don't lie to me, I can always tell when you do."  
"I've been...blacking out...like I'd be thinking of something at 2 o'clock, and when I look back up and it's 7 or 8...sometimes it's worse or...I think it is."  
"How?"  
"Like I...think I collapse."  
"You think?"

This is quite hard to say if you hadn't of noticed... 

"No, I...I do. Sometimes I wake up a few minutes later, sometimes half a day."  
"How long has this been going on for?"  
"Once as a kid, and for 2 or so months lately."  
"What happened before you did?"

What? 

"I mean did you throw up or...?"  
"A few times I had, mostly I just hadn't eaten" yawn  
"Why don't we go back now?"  
"No, I just want to sit here."  
"You're turning blue"  
"How can you tell?"  
"Come here...I'm not going to bite you ya know."  
"You always used to."

**-FLASHBACK-**

"_That was some party wasn't it?"  
"Sure was..."  
"Walk you to your tent?"  
"If you want...We've been through a lot together haven't we?"  
"To say the least. Who-da thought we'd be the only originals left?"  
"Not me..."  
"I can't believe this is finally over – WE'RE GOING HOME!"  
"Home..."  
"Aren't you happy? THE WAR'S OVER!"  
"Of course I'm happy...about that. D'you want to come in?"  
"FINALLY she sees sense!"  
"What can I say? I'm a late bloomer!"  
"Why is it that your cot's different?"  
"Regular Army...Plus I can scream."  
"So can I!"  
"Not to scare people – you couldn't scare a child!"  
"That's true. I tried once on my nephew Marty – he just laughed at me!"  
"I thought you were an only child?"  
"Cousin's kid. You?"  
"One and one on the way...or arrived...I think, I'm not sure."  
"You haven't spoken to your sister?"  
"No, I heard it from dad. Let's just say we've never been close. Nothing like cats and dogs...just she's always been a mommy's girl..."  
"And you a daddy's girl..."  
"Oh yeah."  
"So why the sad face?"  
"What do you mean?"  
"I mention going home and you nearly burst into tears. What's the deal?"  
"You have Crabapple Cove, what have I got? A few duffel bags and a tent full of stuff. This is my home...and I HATE living here."  
"But you don't have to stay here...a tent is not a home."  
"It's all I know."  
"Then change it."  
"After 29 years?"  
"I made the transition from Maine to hell and it's been an eternity. You can do it Margaret. But only if you want to."  
"Where would I go?"  
"You've had plenty of invitations from everyone. Personally I'd pick Maine – nice lobster."  
"I want to go somewhere I've never been before..."  
"Okay Margaret, just tell me when you decide."_

"_We'll never see each other again."  
"What? Of course we will. I'll personally, be hounding your ass every minute of the day!"  
"Don't you do that already?"  
"Well yeah...Just incase...I'm really going to miss you."  
"I know."  
"No...I mean REALLY miss you. You've been an inspiration Margaret. You started as an enemy and have turned out to be one of my best friends, and once a lover. You are truly magnificent and I love you for it!"  
"Thank you Hawkeye."  
"How about me? Am I magnificent."  
"You're a Smartass that's for sure."  
"Ha ha."  
"I like your still..."  
"ANOTHER ONE! All you want are my goodies."  
"I know what goodies you're talking of and you weren't that crash hot."  
"Me? The Casanova of Korea?"  
"Did you know that Casanova was hom..."  
"How would you like a swift kiss in the mouth?"  
If you don't want me to tell you then..."  
"Well fine then! Tell me I'm gorgeous!"  
"Alright then. You – Hawkeye Pierce..."  
"That's me!"  
"Honestly?"  
"No! Lie through your teeth!"  
"HONESTLY you're warm, compassionate, caring, passionate, great with your hands, funny, GORGEOUS, MAGNIFICENT and the best friend I've ever had."  
"Now you're gonna make me cry."_

"_Remember when I was leaving?"  
"Which time was that?"  
"I can't operate in my tent!"  
"Oh that – you're a fun drunk!"  
"While you're just plain stupid."  
"Thanks – really. Anyway that was Trapper."  
"Yeah, sure."  
"SURE!"  
"Do you remember what I said to Trapper?"  
"About you're really built you son of a gun?"  
"Before that..."  
"About really going for him? Yeah sure I remember."  
"I could have really gone for you too."  
"Well it's been..."  
"Known to happen."  
"If you've got great legs – which you do"  
"Why thank you"  
"If you know how to cook and all about football, then I could have gone for you too."  
"Add 2 eggs, stir and the Bears don't stand a chance!"  
"You still could go for me?"  
"I don't have a choice"_

"_Margaret"  
"Hmm?"  
"I've gone for you."  
"Hawkeye...me too."_

**-PRESENT DAY-**

"Margaret?"  
"Yeah?"  
"What's wrong?"  
"I was just thinking back to our last night at camp."  
"Wasn't that some enchanted evening?"

**-FLASHBACK-**

And there we were, holding each other, more intimate than with any other person ever. His hands gliding down my naked back, those magical hands he has. Ones who have saved thousand, held thousand, but lost many. His lips, kissing my neck. Those too – magical. Always a word to be spoken, yet those words could also be hurtful. Those lips, whispering my name softly and passionately.  
"Margaret."  
I can't do anything but reply. "Hawkeye." Reply as softly and as passionately as he. This, our last chance: a magical and most definitely enchanted evening.  
"I love you."

**-PRESENT DAY-**

"What?"  
"We should head back, it's getting cold. What did you think I said?"  
"It's nothing. Yeah, I suppose you're right."  
"You heading to bed?"  
"I was thinking about it...you?"  
"I was going to talk with Beej."  
"Oh."  
"If you fall asleep I'll bring you up."  
"MmmmHmmm."

"Wondering where you got to."  
"Just a breathe of fresh air."  
"More like frozen air. How can you live here and not freeze your ass off?"  
"How can you live in California and not die from heat stroke?"  
""You're Crazy!""

And I thought I was the loony one here? 

"Well, Erin's asleep. Potter, Mildred, Peg and Dan are getting the coffee and you're here now."  
"What no chocolate?"  
"What chocolate?"  
"You mean Erin hasn't told you yet?"  
"Not told me what? That girl has your sneakiness nature in her."  
"What are uncles for?"  
"Besides spoiling them rotten?"  
"All the kids I know are too old to spoil."  
"You've only seen her..."  
"10 times."  
"That many?"  
"It's a good thing I earn a bit – airfares are ridiculous!"  
"You going to bed Margaret?"

Oh good – I am alive! 

"Why does everyone keep asking me that? No, I'm not."  
"Okay, just that you're falling asleep standing up. Dracula looks less dead than you."  
"Thank you for that positive reinforcement BJ, really."  
"I'm just saying..."  
"Okay okay, no need for another fight. What chocolate? – In the top left corner of the large cupboard in the tin of Spam."  
"You...Hawkeye...after 3 years of eating crap...eat SPAM?!"  
"GOD NO! Just a brilliant hiding spot, which thanks to you is a hiding spot no more!"  
"You could have just got it yourself."  
"Not while keeping Goldilocks here up."

**Cute, real cute.**

"You can trust me – honest."  
"With everything but socks."  
"Again with those damn socks."  
"Well your feet really stank and I had lasted a whole war with them not smelling half as bad as yours."  
"Wanna bet?"  
"Yeah"  
"Yeah..."  
"CAN WE go inside? I'm freezing out here!"  
"That's the phone, I'll get it!"  
"Ahhh, you're back!"  
"No, I'm just a figment of your imagination."  
"Coffee?"  
"And chocolate!"  
"You say chocolate?"  
"Now I know where BJ got his sweet tooth from."  
"Oh believe me Hawkeye, he had it long before I married him!"  
"Where's Dad and Mildred?"  
"It was getting cold and she wanted an early night, let us catch up a bit."  
"I was just grabbing a cup and going to check on Erin...but with chocolate I think I'll wait a bit."

Mmm I could kill for chocolate! 

"**Then do Margaret, chocolate will give you energy."**

**Where have you been?**

"**Observing. You have a feeling Sidney will be here sooner than expected."**

**I do?**

"**Yes. You've been through a lot Margaret. Breaking point hit a year ago and it's caused you to sorta break up with you inner selves."**

**Selves? As in more of me?**

"**Yes, everyone has more than one part to them. Otherwise you'd all be Frank."**

**God help us all!**

"**Exactly! I'm – your inner child Aka conscience – the part that knows commonsense. You know in the movies where the guy has a decision and he has the angel/devil on each shoulder?"**

**Yes**

"**That's what they are. Normally the angel does what's right and the devil, wrong. But because of everything that's happened – which by the way you haven't and won't realise for a while – the angel has skedaddled over to the devil."**

**What are you saying exactly?**

"**Equilibrium hasn't been reached. Your emotional balance is totally one sided, and it's a miracle you haven't killed yourself yet."**

**What can I do to stop all this? I hate this...everything. So many emotions mixed up.**

"**Listen and do what people say."**

**People?**

"**Hawkeye and Sidney and the other doctors – especially Hawkeye."**

**Why especially Hawkeye?**

"**Because he has more weighing on you getting better."**

**Why, How, What do you mean?**

"**You know...well part of you does. That's why you need to talk to Sidney. This is too much for Hawkeye to handle. Sidney's trained. Listen to him and do as they all – the real people – say."**

**Tell me what I don't know, please?**

"**I can't...all I can tell you is that when you are back to Margaret Houlihan; none of us will talk. Voices will cease, and the only sounds will be outside your mind."**

**Even you?**

"**Most of the time. Boredom is when I get to speak. Although you've been busy your whole life, I haven't got much of a chance."**

"I'm so tired."

"**Just go to sleep, you're lying on Hawkeye's lap anyway."**

"Hmmm"  
"I think she's falling asleep."  
"Margaret, let's go to bed?"  
"Mmm"  
"Who was she speaking to?"  
"I'll find out tomorrow. Night."  
"Night Hawk!"

"Can you walk?"  
"I think so."  
"You are actually quite warm you know?"  
"That's good to know. I never heard complaints those 2 times."  
"Well the first we were both scared shitless...and the second was the best night of my life. Not just the sex either."  
"Wasn't bad was it?"  
"Again, I never heard a complaint."  
"Mmm, how could anyone ever?"  
"You want to get changed?"  
"No, I'm too yawn tired."  
"No kidding."  
"Mmm, your bed's nice."  
"I've heard a few girls say that before."  
"You're incorrigible!"  
"No, I'm Hawkeye!"  
"Ever loveable and adorable Hawkeye..."  
"With ever gorgeous and sexy Hotlips"

Margaret, what are you doing? He's not here for kissing! Not that I'm complaining or anything... 

"Margaret..."  
"What?"  
"No...this isn't right. Not now at least. I can't take advantage of you..."  
"I'm not exactly a kid Hawk."  
"But you're vulnerable. And I don't think I can with you sick...I love you too much for that."  
"Really not complaining here."  
"Make me a promise okay?"  
"Okay."  
"Neither of us are ready now. In a few months – however long it takes you, we can try again...promise?"  
"I can only give you the promise to try."  
"I'm just too adorable to turn down!"  
"That and everything..."  
"Goodnight Margaret – you need to sleep."  
"Hawk...please don't leave me..."  
"I promised to stay with you and I will..."  
"Night Hawk"  
"Night...Margaret."

**-FLASHBACK-**

"_God, Hawkeye!"  
"I love you Margaret..."  
"I love you too."  
"Please don't run away..."  
"I don't want to."  
"Come home with me."  
"What?"  
"Come and live with me in Maine."  
"Hawkeye, I told you what I wanted to do..."  
"Have you ever lived in Maine?"  
"Twice."  
"Crabapple Cove?"  
"No...but it's still Maine."  
"Okay. Promise me you'll move somewhere close? Please?"  
"I promise."  
"God I love you...I think I always have."  
"Always? Even before you met me?"  
"You are my ideal partner, but yes even before I knew your name."  
"Mmm...remember when I gave you my ideal guy?"  
"The one I played 10% part in?"  
"You're now 80%..."  
"Why thankyou. But what about the other 20?"  
"I still put my father in there somewhere..."  
"So I'm not your custom fit?"  
"You said we're looking in an off the rack world. Maybe I should go for the nearest I get."  
"I like your thinking!"_

"_So uh listen"  
"Yeah..."  
..........................................................................................  
"Well, so long!"  
"See ya!"_

'_Why am I letting him go?'_

"_WAIT!"  
"What is it?"  
"If you want to reconsider my offer...ring me...or move in – whichever!"  
"Thank you Hank..."  
"Thank you Darlene!"_

_And with a final kiss I drive off, tears in my eyes with the realisation I'll never see him again...  
"I love you Hawkeye..."_


End file.
